RED O N

C R

R

E

RED O N

C R

R

E

a poetry anthology

DAWN WEB

VIVID ILLUSION CREATIVE STUDIOS

RED CORNER

A Poetry Anthology

Volume 1 of the Primary Series

Part of the Colours Collection

Illusive Books, an Imprint of Vivid Illusion Creative Studios Inc.

©2024 Dawn Web

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or used in any manner without written permission of the copyright owner except for the use of quotations in a book review.

For more information, address: info@vividillusion.studio First paperback edition, March 2024

Author: Dawn Web

Creative Director: Dawn Web

Photographer: Angelina Wrona

Book Cover Art: Alexandre Tremblay

Illustrator: Dawn Web

Book Designer: John Hubbard ǀ emks.fi

Editorial Assessor: Dakota Reed

Developmental Editor: Alexandre Tremblay, Dakota Reed, and Dr. Michael Martin

Line Editor: Michael Martin

Copy Editor: Colleen Anderson

Proofreader: Colleen Anderson

and Dr. Becca Babcock

Typesetter: John Hubbard ǀ emks.fi

Advertiser/Marketer: Elina Vaysbeyn

and Vickie Boff

Images: https:/ www.pexels.com

ISBN 978-1-7381223-0-1 (Hardcover)

ISBN 978-1-7381223-2-5 (Paperback)

ISBN 978-1-7381223-3-2 (Audiobook)

ISBN 978-1-7381223-1-8 (Electronic)

Published by:

VIVID ILLUSION CREATIVE STUDIOS INC.

https:/ www.vividillusion.studio

https:/ www.linktr.ee/dawnweb

https:/ www.angelinawrona.ca

Dedicated to

Dr. Becca Babcock

Thank you for believing in me.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

01  SURFACE

04  ENVIRONMENT

Flame 10

Broken Clocks

66

Fork in the Road

11

Prance 67

No Respect

12

Avoidance 68

Contestant 13

The Dinner Table

69

Boundaries 14

Washed 70

Laundry 15

Slumber 71

Location 16

4 AM

73

Run 17

Progress is Slow

73

Pause 18

Other Piece of the Puzzle

76

Knowing 19

Silence 77

Future 20

Flashbacks 78

Rest 22

Sob Story

80

Done 23

My Home

81

Journey 24

Cut 82

Gleam

25

You vs. Me

84

Hurt 26

Deception 85

02  ENTHALPY

05  SHAME

Chaos | Stability

30

Wasteland 88

Undergoing Under

32

Emptying 89

Seven 34

Slut Shaming

90

Handwriting 36

Nut 91

Forgotten 37

Body Ink

93

Sleep 38

Affirmations 93

Yesterday 39

Real • Lies

96

Wallow 40

Retro 97

Cell 41

Eyes 98

Malleable 99

03  DISORDER

Vagina 100

Buried Alive

44

Soliloquy from an Insomniac  45

06  VORTEX

Awake 49

A Vortex

102

Trench 50

Noticed 51

07  BACKWARDS

Hit You

53

Productive 116

The Garage

54

The Exchange

117

The Powder Room

55

Stolen Land

118

BP 56

Sun. Sunny. Son.

119

ED 57

Light 120

Patterns 58

Division ÷

121

Electric 60

Industry 123

Away 61

Partner? 124

Hard Rain

125

Conflicted 126

De-arrest 127

Closed System

130

Friends with the Monster

131

Lived Yet

132

The Trident

133

Salt Springs

135

6

08  CONTAINED

09  UNLOCK

You Are Confused

138

Hard Eyes

192

Mirror 139

All or Nothing

194

Backflips 140

The Block

195

Taste 141

Unlearning 196

Lusty 142

Complex Realities

197

Lonely 143

Percept 198

Her

144

Unclench Your Fists

199

Occupied 145

Sharks 201

Ray 146

Doors 202

Poly Pocket

147

I Had a Dream—EP

203

Inside 148

Cold Feet

205

Outside 149

Losing 206

My Best

150

Fall Away (Money)

207

Detaching 151

The Orange Peel

208

Save 152

Drip Rip

209

Next Summer

153

Free 210

Queen Size Mattress

155

Monica 156

10  RISE

Gasoline 158

Snakes 214

Bikes 159

Beauty 216

Some Time

160

Trust 217

“Thank You”

161

You Matter

218

Sea Urchin

163

Valentine 219

To Be Free

165

Fuck You

220

Cokehead 167

Hiding Behind Confidence  221

Laugh-t-her 168

Unblocked 222

Breathe to Grow

169

Proud 223

I’m Not Her

170

Tardiness 224

Email 171

A Letter to Myself—

225

Bronte 172

To Calm

226

The Situation-ship

175

Dry as Gin

227

Above 179

Motive 228

Friends 180

Soon 181

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Friendship 182

Simultaneously 183

Grew up

184

Curry 186

Pocket Dimension

187

A Letter for Her to Her

188

Best Company

189

7

CHAPTER ONE

S U R F A C E

Flame

I want our minds

To melt together like candle-wax.

Reverberations piercing deep

Bending your mental

Sit still.

Morphing beads unify

Rewind to drop down.

Kaleidoscopic light—

Taped out

10

Fork in the Road

How do I move

When I am stuck in one place?

When I have been redirected

And I am no longer doing what is comfortable My head locked in a space I wish I could choose Let this transition be smooth

Give me the key

Please open the door

My feet are glued to the pavement

I swing my right hand around

Grapple my left knee

With my right hand

Tugging the slime, elude

The molasses, I’m grounded

11

No Respect

Onward—crisp air freed

yet Anchored.

In need, you can now feed.

Toes ripped from beneath you

Honey glistening resentment

Melting into the floor

A cavalier

Runs rampant; courtesy lacking

Dripping insult

Til’ you crack

Diminish those beasts, for their capabilities and achievements hold no space Introspective

No weight to their thoughts nor feelings Offended in retrospect

Damage repair

Inline; an essential part of continuous sequence Upward

to mend

Just take the next step.

disFOR.W.ARD

espect

12

Contestant

Rain brain

The leaving leaf

Swimming along the river

A blockage not stained

What if

What could be

Could really be

What if

What could be

Already is

What if—

What I want

I already have

Pondering

If only,

My brain rained

I could move

I can swim

13

Boundaries

The

Foundation

Of

Bricks

Tied behind my neck

A reformation high-strung

A Cycle,

We recycle

To reduce the time consumed

While we use

And reuse the same old moldy [pattern]

How we

Build

To break

Your home

Is mine

Enmeshment

Apple crumble, filling with mumble

Gaping mouth

We compromise the shape

Always

Led astray

Share the love

Appreciation and care

Dissociation from

The black blurred lines

Built to break

We escape

14

Laundry

Nails go deep

Nails

Shine through the walls of the paint

Nails fall out

When the room begins to shake

Trying to polish

Crooked fingers

Drawing down the page

While it stares back at me

I try to     love it

But it fills me

With wrath: that’s when the bottle spills Fold your clothes

Make it undone

Wrap it up

Tuck that corner

Of your eye

And can only be found

As a stash

This is supposed to be fun

Which can only be seen

After you unfold

Black nail polish bottle

spilled

black ink on the page

15

Location

Up the stairs

Down the stairs

Around the corner

What for?

My chin up and around the corner

Lifting and glancing

Peaking over my shoulder

My mind a maze

Of thoughts

Chasing after the reason

But I just

Can’t

Remember

Please tell me

What am I here for?

16

Run

Why do I

Always

Feel the urge

A surge

Energy

Driving me

To fly out

keep that chase

To clear the welts

In case I might be

Better off somewhere else

Constantly,

Changing direction

Staring at my reflection

With this destructive complexion

Is it?

All things fresh and new

To keep my flesh

Hidden

I am a screw.

Hide the drill

Keep me from stripping

Which would lock me in

Tie me down

I’m

Unzipping

17

Pause

The dishwasher sings.

The whole world goes on—

Man, what are we gonna do when this buzz wears off?

The tremor awoken to remind us

To fear happiness

Forks over knives

They’re eating you alive

18

Knowing

I have no idea

What I am doing

Where I am going

What I want

Who am I

Where are you?

— longing

19

Future

Hanging on the ceiling.

Bryophyte

Entrenched and tangled

Aluminum

Dangling

Cladosporium

Killing the vines

Liana enraged

By Parsonia straminea

Lingered

Once you reach up

You’re down

Found—yourself

You must go another round

One opening to the next

The echo funnels out

But you are still trapped

In the tunnel

Dark and gloomy, that’s where—where I am, It’s roomy and bold

Icy nose

Purple toes

Aitch-two-O

Kissing my knees

Blue denim

Right foot, left foot

Levitation:

Soaked and Heavy

20

My ankles dreary

Digging the mud

The dirty water, swirling upward

Spiralling no end

Agenda.

Empty. White. Blank.

The denim is drying

It is quiet

Vanishing echos

Narrowing tunnel

There is nothing

To call my name

Wavelengths

Energy dissipated.

21

Rest

Absence of the long lists

A weight lifted off of my back

Away from my chest

Far enough

I can breathe.

I can do anything

So much opportunity.

22

Done

They took the bow

On the way to the last throw

In fear

They all scram

Into enrolment

Following the lead—

Into the unknown

We might feed

Clowns to caged lions

To feed the man

To make them laugh

Pale face

Shoulders low

My head is down

To meet my match

Do this, do that

Erase this, face it

Don’t react

To the master

Master of the puppets

Pessimistic

done trying

Or just realistic

I

pResent

E

I need a refreshment

C

momenTION

emotionLess

ESE

23

Journey

The end of my road

Everywhere imaginable

Nowhere particular

Why is it

Leaving something of boredom

Shows you the beauty you were blind to

Begin thinking

I’m heading in the wrong direction

Am I making the right decision

Stay after all

Or run away, running

Funny, isn’t it

Strange, peculiar even

Am I in the now

Moment by moment

Or is it simply washing by

Opening the road

Paving the way ahead

Grounding each foot

Sinking into the pavement

On a journey

Not stuck anywhere for too long

I can’t be wrong

I am strong

24

Gleam

Things are never as they seem

To be

Things seem greener

So far, so distant, out of reach

From thy hands

God damn

On   the other side

Why is this so bland

Lower your

Expectations

So you never disappoint

You

Them

Who?

No, raise them up

So you don’t allow your house to be set on fire So you don’t burn

You blossom

You water the other

You try

To change the world

Be happy with where you are today

25

Hurt

My tongue is going to fall out of my mouth Say the wrong string of words

Falling through my chair

the floor

I hurt myself,

Again.

26

CHAPTER TWO

E N T H A L P Y

Chaos | Stability

When I lack stability

I curl up

Crawl into my bed—as daylight strikes my window Breathe silence, inviting darkness

I pull the covers over my eyes

Inviting only the

Two-by-four light

My phone screen seeps in—to my eyes.

When I lack stability

This desperation to pull up my socks, knee high Lace me up and run

Run far away

As if rushing will keep me at a distance Far enough, away, from the very thing reaching me unstable And yet,

I want to go

Going deep into the forest

I peel back the branches and find my reflection Where the water ripples beneath my feet Traces the frames of my shoes

My socks are wet

A mirror here

Staring back at me

There is a river dividing me

From jumping to the other side

I should get out of this water

Will I make it if I leap?

Or should I wait ’til found, scavenged—

But then, when, I realize even  if I gather ALL

I cannot deny, there is no guarantee

That the bridge I create will not break My fate

Trapped in this state

There’s a lot at stake

30

When I lack stability

I dive deep into the depths of my mind searching Capacity to stay on routine,

It has already been Broken

Try, I do

To go—the extra mile

String along those muscles, get up, go out Shower, brush your teeth, and smile.

Make your bed, clean your shed

Drink a tall glass of water.

Eat some food

You know that will increase your mood

Yet, I lay here—

Starving.

31

Undergoing Under

Darty eyes

The gas mask, the cool air

Over my skin

Count backwards from ten.

Your hand in mine,

Becoming

Gentl*er

A picture, your face fading away

You’re so caring, daring and fuzzy

Your look is Airy

You look so Cloudy looking back at me

You call out “I love you”

And I cry, “I love you, I love you, Mom, I love you, Mom, I looovve y—”

I needed her to know.

[What if I don’t wake up?]

Nitrous Oxide

Don’t leave my side

Isoflurane

Into my brain

What flavour would you like?

A wrestle for answers

I’m here, waiting

Picking & biting

Lost in bloody fingernails

Peeling skin

Crusty webbing

32

A clicking

Of the pen

A chipping,

The ticking

The clock

It’s non-stop

Ringing in my head

While you put me to bed

The tapping

It was those heels

Clacking

To the family room

An update

Stank of Purell perfume

Grappling we stand hand-to-hand

You’re late

I’ve been waiting

Where is my baby?

There was more

Damage than we thought

33

Seven

Seven

Even though it was eleven

Not the time of day

But the feeling of not okay

Foggy and distant

Not near, something, I can hear

Sirens of cries, I open my eyes

Clear the glue and glance over to one side Gaze at blurry white walls and caged hospital beds I gloss over to the other

No nurses, no doctors, no father, no mother The knife is gone

But the ghost radiates

Shooting fire in my bones

Haunting me, I’m cold

I have no control—

Locked, loaded, paralyzed

Urged to scream but I’m seared

And yelling won’t numb my pain

Only bring me to tears

Because it’s not seven

It’s eleven

I’m sedated

The words are in my head

But I can only whisper:

pain

pain

pain

pain…

34

I’m strained, tired and drained Focusing on the air

Hoping help is on the way

For my welfare

Because it’s not the time of day

But the feeling of not okay

The nurse appears with a gentle concern She asked of me

“What is your pain level out of ten, my dear?”

Scraping up—trying to find the words

A battle in my mind

To bend my tongue

To vibrate my throat

To defend my bones

To spit the words

All I could say was . . .

Seven

And now I’m in heaven

35

Handwriting

The flu

Piecing together

The  mind with the brain

With the pen

With the paper

To convey

A certain meaning

A purpose

A form of communication

Sound and fine

Safe and it’s all mine

Soft, yet elegant

Aggressive, yet beautiful

Perfect, yet forgotten

Painful, yet confused

Coming up

The sun sets

Where? Touches the crust

Balancing on one wheel

Piercing through

One cartilage

A hole in the ground

Trust

Thou shalt

Will not steal

But all is done

Your eyes closed

And you

Are now

Disposed

36

Forgotten

I’m afraid of forgetting

Or letting

Myself forget

The thing is, I already forgot

And I have now forgotten what it is,

I am trying to remember

If only it were

That easy

I’m not crazy

37

Sleep

I just can’t seem to sleep these days

My mind just won’t do, but

Race and

Chase

I can’t keep the pace

I’m up here so lost in space

Someone please bring me back to my place Too tired to be awake

Too wired up to fall asleep

Chocolate

Melting away

Eaten up

Cold and in the fridge

38

Yesterday

Maybe it hurts for a reason

Maybe tomorrow

Maybe tomorrow it won’t be this season

Tell me why tomorrow never comes

Today will be yesterday

Yesterday was today

Tomorrow will be today

All we know is today

And tomorrow never comes

39

Wallow

I wish I could cry, talk

Maybe then

I could fly

—away—

Because I have all-ready

Walked the walk

I want to be held

Feel me in your embrace

But I might die

So I shy—away—

Hope—is hope enough?

To hope that I find the calm

To put the panic at bay

Fairness is extinct

I’m stuck, in swill

I’m tired, could I kick the bucket?

I glare—glare at myself

I just want these emotions

To pass over me

The ocean is crashing along the shore

Hard. Misty. Cold.

Waiting for it—

To wash over me

Curl up and swallow me whole

But it won’t

I admire the fire in my eye

My heart

40

Cell

I’m so tired of living my life

Through a screen

I sit, I eat, I scroll

It’s obscene

Can’t go out

I don’t know where to lean

I have no one left to call

Even though I have reached them all

I don’t wanna be mean

So I sit here

In quarantine

41

CHAPTER THREE

D I S O R D E R

Buried Alive

Buried alive

Six feet under

Down the hill

Rolled over my roots

And sinking

Below the ice

Crystals beneath the snow

So light, no air in sight

Six feet below

The surface

The innocent winter

A wail

This is the way I die

Buried alive

44

Soliloquy from an Insomniac Through the looking glass

Is it the failing?

Is it time?

Is it giving up?

Or is it something more —

Is it the recognizing

The awakening

Of the beast inside?

Laying. Analyzing. Questioning…

These decisions

The things you make

The actions you take

Naive to where it will lead

Into the unknown

Be thrown

Searching, crying, whining

Looking for my crown

From these decisions I made

This is what

You ought to do

Where you must run to

Going, on and on, onward

In control, toward that destination

As those legs change circuit

The signal switches

Direction

Stutter, twitch, seize

Here and now

Look around

45

A-a-always on

In attempt to drown out the thoughts

To turn out the lights

But the tea is hot

And it must be spilled

’Til the cup is empty

Drip ’til dry

But it’s never dry

And I’m awake with this hot cup

In my hands

Here I sit, warm

Sip, sip

Wet, fire

Clenching my tongue

Swirling against my cheeks

Spiraling down my throat

Tickling my chest

Warming me up

Through the looking glass

But I’m still chilly

Shivering

Need to spill

Write

Write the next chapter

Read the previous one

I cannot sleep until

The cup is empty

Under heatstroke—nothing left

Energy runs out

There is no more writing that can be done Only dreaming

Dreaming of what is to come

A good morrow

See what is left to uncover

46

Trying to sleep

Thinking

How not to think

How to think

How to sleep

But I’m just not ready, ¿ready?

I must get moving

Get a feel

Get a rhythm

Reach out to their hearts and steal

Them, touch them

Holding them tight

Embraced

Filling up the hollow glass

Proving

Choosing

Support of the hand

Your hand in mine

Only to find

Your hand is mine

It’s always been my hand

Only unnoticed and depreciated, ungrateful And I’m here

I stand

Open arms for you—me

To run to

Because I will never hurt you

Anymore

My hand in mine, forever more

Do not ignore

Me

Never, please, never turn on me again

I need you more than ever

More than anyone

Before

Through the looking glass

47

Fear of the unknown

Lean in

Focus on your head

The dark parts

The s c a r y parts

Where you fall

Short

Grand mal

Pick up the test

Slap aside, and leave behind

Parts you won’t touch

You can’t touch

You  can touch it

Touch it

Poke—Tickle—Scratch

Itch the hug

Until you love it

You will learn to love it

Time is nothing

For wound healing

When you don’t treat it

With the right

Medicine

So dive—deep

Into the scary parts

You might be surprised

On what you might

Find

I spilled the tea

Then let it sit

It is the failing

It is the time, holding on tight

It is the letting

Go

48

Awake

As my muscles shut down for the night

I fight

To stay awake

There is too much life to live

To waste asleep

Wake up

Goodnight

49

Trench

Giving up, giving out, pushing forward

I want to give in

Let go

Give up—I look for some twinkle in my eye They say I can’t

They say I am strong

All good things must come to an end

That means

All bad things must too

— trenching forward

50

Noticed

Can’t sleep

Can’t get enough

The voices like to peep

The sounds in my head

And the monster under my bed

I shed

A learning disability

Who said I can’t be anything, I anything I want to be Welcome to the circus

Join us

It’ll be grand

You will see the

The ADHD

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity

No memory

From all the PTSD, OCD

Or maybe just the Generalized Anxiety

Red corner

Boldly pungent

They said I was loud—obnoxious

But they were just too cautious

Tiptoeing around what they all said

So they tread

lightly

I don’t know about you

But I cannot be a robot

I don’t know about you

But I cannot be bought

I don’t know about you

But I’m trying to be noticed

51

Unlike you

I draw with different colours

Making me everything

I am

I’m gonna flourish

Because I allow myself to be set apart

I don’t need a go-cart

52

Hit You

I’m good

On the couch

Passed out

I’m not going to hit you

53

The Garage

Under the covers

Slipping out of bed

Toes gripping the cold floor and

Hovering around

Avoid the cracks

To the hallway

Eyes on eyes, locking

From across the way

Unity in our meeting

An understanding

Together—of what we cannot yet comprehend So we stand

Together

Scared

Confused

But we are not alone

We are together

And that’s what matters

This is a start

54

The Powder Room

POWDER

POW DER

POW D ER POWER

He had power

So much power over us

Over her, him, them, Mom

Over me

Over you

The helplessness began

Wanting to stop your wrists from snapping Trembling squeals, flush oozing

What do I do?

There I stood

Bleeding, they were

My vocal chords

But the bending

Vibrations of

Erupting yelps I poured out

Spit from my lips viciously

Into the powder room—

Did nothing

This is not the first time, I thought 55

It feels like every time I think back To here

I come up to a wall

Locking me out

I try to climb over

A barbed wire fence

Or maybe it is just endless concrete

Where I find no grips

I’m not high enough

On the evolutionary train

So here I remain

Looking up

This is not the first time I revisit this image Red painted ink on the walls

Sad now it’s tainted pink

The bathroom sink

And she falls—

56

BP

My heart rate increases

I sink

We ran

To escape

To grow

Connecting the dots

I never stop moving

No wonder I am so skilled at packing

A slow start

Cinching inwards

57

ED

My wish

To feed my soul

To warm my heart

To fill this gap

Caused by an endless spit

In my stomach

Twirling, a dance

If I could only put food in my mouth

Chew it up

And let it be swallowed

—To eat

58

Patterns

Do we all just continue these disgusting lines Of toxic, destructive behaviours?

Is it just in our nature? Can we break free?

The never-ending sound,

Let’s break the ground.

Do we live the life we grew up around?

Is there anything to touch earth’s crust?

Or do we just oscillate?

I hope I’m learning

I know I must hurt people.

Why do I keep questioning if someone is good for me If  something is good for me

If I’m doing the right thing—

Doubtful dirty shame

Filled with guilty blame

On this rough terrain

We plunge into

A survival skill

I have acquired

To help me learn

With intrusive force to retreat from

My mistakes

Is it working?

Am I learning?

Or am I repeating the same shit?

Who do I trust?

Who  really knows?

I don’t know

59

But maybe they don’t either Maybe they’re manipulating me

Why do I think people are manipulating me?

Why do I think people aren’t looking

Out for me?

Deep dark long swarmed

Dodgy rabbit hole—hidden

The world is fucked-up

Almost everyone is self-serving—unconscious They are not looking out for you

You have to look out for you

Not everything is about you

Not everyone is going to care for you

You got to care for you

And the hairs raise

Curling the spine

In my neck.

60

Electric

House to house

Stubborn mouse

Eyelids rolling back

Tying in knots

Optic nerve

Elastic slap

Will I ever rest

After

The move?

The bugs are gnawing

So[u]l[e] sucking

Bed crawling

Skin peeling

Bumpy lines align

Along, my arms and feet

Dry ice beside my face

He put at my bedside

[bandaid]

I breathe it in

Windows closed

Brute course

Stagnant, find a choice

Layered knuckles grinding through the radiator Burnt liquid toes

Wet ice

The hair that is in my armpits

Chilled

Wet ice

Running from the boiler

I wish I had heat

61

Away

I carry the last piece of furniture, my keyboard, out of my tiny bedroom, down the stairs, through three doors, down another flight of stairs, around the corner, across the fifteen-inch alleyway to the place where I’ve parked my car. I run back up the stairs to check for any missing parts and drop off my keys. I glance around for anything I may have left behind. There is nothing, but the white walls with hole remnants from the tacks used to hold paintings, tapestries, photos, sticky notes, calendars, and reminders.

Nothing in this tiny space, yet it feels so full. How can something feel so full and be so empty? So familiar yet, look so strange? I search for something missing, but all I hear is laughter with the newly befriended, as I am clearing wine from my glass. The heart-breaking conversations over the phone with a long-distance lover. I feel myself sinking into my schoolwork to escape my trauma. The long silence of lonesomeness, the tiring days of suicide contemplation. I see me losing my virginity to my first female lover. My best friend and I side-by-side awake, caffeine-

infested, for twenty-four hours to meet our deadlines. The light shining through the cracks of my window piercing my eyes to keep me awake at 7am after the night shift. My alarm goes off and I must leave.

I look around one last time disturbed yet at peace with my departure.

I drop the keys and leave the flat.

This is the first flat, tiny and rundown, that I had to call home after moving away from everything I knew. A cheap room with an itty bitty kitchen, in a four bedroom with one bathroom, without a living room.

Perfect, I thought, I don’t need anything extravagant. It is downtown, but far enough to be inconvenient. The landlord didn’t care too much to fix problems in the place. My friend needs a roommate. And space is becoming an issue with my new partner. I am excited for this next journey in my new place to form new memories.

I was not aware that this move was about to change my life.

62

CHAPTER FOUR

E N V I R O N M E N T

Broken Clocks

I live alone, again.

I did not think I could get this

Luxury

The goblin is coming

And

I stare

At broken clocks

66

Prance

Don’t allow room

Room to interrupt

Your flow

Your heart

Don’t postpone

Hone in

Lean in

Now

You may be so low

Hit the ground

Leave town

You may hit a wall

You’ve fallen down

Embrace all—

All of who you are

And all

That you are to become

Stand on the side-walk

With your arms open

Wide

Ready or not

Here I come

67

Avoidance

“Where have you been?”

“I’m really busy.”

“That’s a matter of opinion.”

Soon enough you found

All the reasons—

Reasons

Why

I tried

To hide

Away

From him

And you

Were

Disappointed

Again

I’m sorry

I’ve never heard

Or understood

My reasons in being

I really am

I am

Really

Busy

Creating way

Where I can truly view

My reality that got tucked away

Hidden and misconstrued behind

Coercion

What happened

Or what did not

I guess that is also

“a matter of opinion”

68

The Dinner Table

They got a ring,

not of diamonds,

not of  fire,

but their phone

Ringing.

“I have something I want to tell you.”

“Are you pregnant?”

“No, I’m not pregnant. Let’s talk over dinner.”

“What would you like?”

“Ribs.”

So we sat

Together and spoke about

you

Exploring how my heart

sank.

And wanted to

crack.

Out of my chest to

escape

the cage

It was enclosed in.

Ribs.

69

Washed

You made me

Think it was on me

That I put myself

There

That I asked for it

That I initially invited

I was just laying there

Peacefully asleep

If I didn’t do what you said

What you wanted

I would be “hurting” you

I was just saying  no

That’s all I wanted

So I did it

For you

And I hurt myself

For you

You told my friends that my story was wrong Who are you to tell them

To tell me

My feelings aren’t real

My eyelids snap…

70

Slumber

I ask

How do you not know

That I am vulnerable when I am asleep?

You are a foe

I know

I am one whose wish to keep

I was sleeping

You began creeping

Thinking, I look back, I’m thinking

Too much

I try to lead—

Lead my thoughts away, but they just feed in I wish you’d stray

I was in a deep slumber

Solid like a rock

But we were in your bed

So, they believed what you said

You say you detected movement

How—how did you detect movement?

How do you not know

That I am not okay anymore because of you So I process how I feel

Move on from how I think I thought

Pretending as if my memory was false

But it is not

71

How could

it not?

I’m twitched

Despite what you thought

There was a fast pulse

And now you are caught

Because I was in a deep slumber

Now there is a lot at stake

How do you not know

That it’d not be okay to penetrate my cake While I was in a deep slumber

You fucked me up with your damn cucumber

— we think we know people

72

4 AM

“Hello?”  Harley inquired.

“Hello?” said anon.

“Who is this?”

“Who is this?” an echo of unfamiliar speech, the reverberations of mature voices and lingering confusion on both sides. Same number with a different ring—goodbye to our pre-pubescence.

As the tones seep into the ears, climbing through the wavelengths of our cell phones, you know, you recognize, you realize and you say,

“You ruined my life. ”

“The police, they picked me up from my buddy’s place in a town run by Hell’s Angels and I was taken to the police station.

There were five policemen interrogating me, yelling at me, You’re a rapist! You’re a rapist!  I went to AA. I had to drop out of college and go to rehab. I had to tell my girlfriend there may be a chance the case will re-open. I still live in my parents’

house because I will be paying lawyer fees until I am twenty-seven. I won’t be able to buy a home until I am thirty. My parents think that I am a rapist. I have so many mental illnesses and I think I might have schizophrenia. I had to go to sexual counselling. I had to sit in a room with pedophiles and rapists and they thought I was one of them. I thought you knew me.

I don’t trust you. You did this to me.”

The sound of his vape indoors in his high school bedroom where it all went down ripples over my shoulders.

“You did this to yourself. I didn’t call you to be friends. I thought I knew you; which made it all that much harder to process. It made me think that I knew no one.” Harley shivered

“I don’t even know what I did. Could you just tell me what I did?

Why didn’t you just tell me before?”

“I wish you knew sooner. I tried to tell you.”

73

“I really wish I knew sooner.” He said, “Why did you do it, why did you report it?”

“I needed you to understand.”

“I got together with this girl and she used to pimp me out to get her fix. I overdosed eight times. We were both doing heroin. I was sexually assaulted multiple times, even before. I knew what it’s like. I don’t sleep. Why do you think I answered? I will never admit to what you are saying I did, because I don’t know if the police will open up the case again. But I’m sorry that happened to you.” A larger exhale into the words, “I loved you.” Only to hold such a heavy pause. Reverberating wavelength at the cell tower awaiting response.

“Yeah, like a best friend,” Harley stuttered.

“You were more than that. Like you said —boundaries weren’t set.” He relayed soft tones of love confessions years later, twisting the scene.

“I forgive you. I don’t want you to hold onto these feelings anymore.

I don’t want you to live with the burden any longer.”

“It doesn’t work like that, he declared and pondered “Why’d you call me?”  Removing the split moments of time for a response

“I get why you called.  I hope you got closure.”

“I hope you got closure too.”

“You made it worse.” He dreaded on to say, “I hope you have a good rest of your life, because you deserve that.”

74

Progress is Slow

Maybe you don’t remember

It was not a significant event in life for you But I have carried this with me

I’ve unpacked my bags

Then picked them back up

I will always

Unpack

Just to repack

But it’s getting  l i g h t e r

Slowly

—progress is slow

75

Other Piece of the Puzzle

“You can’t therapize your rapist.”

And that was the first time

I was okay

with calling him

my rapist.

And now

I really know

I am not  c r a z y.

I know he has done this before

And has other accusations.

She believed me.

It took her a while

Before she began

To see

His

True colours.

I didn’t realize how big of a role she played in this story and for my healing.

76

Silence

I am not there anymore. I am not escaping I was nothing but an object to you

You went off looking for something new. Your destructive nature Left you a dangerous creature Lacking basic r e s p e c t I’m not in the wrong here

What did you expect?

I still get flashbacks

So—tell me again—how that works

If it never happened

I won’t let you turn my insecurities against me I will not be gaslit

I know I am not the only one

Who feels this way

I know I am not the only person

You have done this to

— I will not be silenced

77

Flashbacks

I was only doing the dishes

’Til my body took over my mind

I could not find—peace

Even through my wishes

Looking for some kisses

To mend me blind, but I could not find

Because there was nothing left for me

My stomach rumbled—turning in circles

It wasn’t butterflies, no—I was crumbling Feelings of nausea—ready to hurl

Dizziness—making me curl—I’m on the turnaround, merry-go-round I cannot stop, only to swirl

As my insides turn, I feel myself burn

My throat is tight, I want to fight

They say it’s fight or flight, but I just freeze—torpefied unable to act right My body curls up, I collapse to the floor Not because I bore

My mind is screaming, thoughts that sore Losing control, I lie—lie flat on my back Flashbacks

Because I will never ever be able to be loved from behind The same

All has changed

Even if you act kind, I feel so much shame You’ve claimed a piece of my self-control I fold.

This is not how I wanted to start my day But you can always restart the day

And so I tried, could not cry

But found

It was the ice cold water

That brings me back—home

To where I belong

78

I know—they know—

No slack

Know you did me wrong, I hope this cycle won’t last long Because I was trembling, stumbling, talking over my feet But they could not hear

No excuses about the beer

Nor the pills that gave you chills because You’re a cheat, you got me beat

Friends aren’t supposed to bend—they are to mend So I went to defend, myself, taking me off the shelf Stood tall, ’til I could no longer fall But I—yes—I—am so grateful

To be alive—I learnt to revive

I am who I am, shalt become someone who I am not Healed—YES I AM.

79

Sob Story

In a sick way he wants to die

But also, is so addicted to the feeling.

He needs these deranged thoughts to stay.

They are comforting.

They feel like home.

80

My Home

Driving in my car

Passing your house

Things are different now

Same small town

But feelings have altered

No longer in your halter

Like before

But here

On the other side of the fence

I curl my lip

I

can  protect

my

heart

I

can

protect

my

mind

my

body

my   soul

my home

81

Cut

I’m going back—to what was left

Open wounds,

Opening

Pick the scab,

Picking

Apart the ugly scars forgotten

They had already closed.

Reminded by the phantom

Now, kissing the air

Re-emerging

The dripping despair

And I’m aware.

A do-over

Let’s try—

Try this again

Be my friend

So I befriend

The places and spaces

Where the the cake was served and the slices were made And the blood leaks

I have done this before

I have been there before—here

I ran away

And I will do better than I did before

The blood will clot

I will pay mind to it with a kind regard Even more—

So there’s no need to revisit

The site, the skin

Peeling, cracking, sealing

Ever changed

Cleaner

82

I rot

Rot away the parts of me that do not belong That do not fit

’Cause I took what I was taught

And I fought

Steps higher

Where I can finally sit

And just be

At peace

No more pain

Nothing more to gain

All the work is done

So much—

I did

83

You vs. Me

I must accept the past

Now is time

My time

To move forward

To forgive

But never to forget

The battle is done

I have won

— Us against the problem

84

Deception

Breathe.

Get up

Break down

Into yourself

Take a bow

Picking up

Scooping

Romantic strawberries

the dripping lip

You

left

On the

floor

The corridor breathes deep.

Collapsing diaphragm

Below

The sticky chocolate

Slipping in the white powder

Off the strawberry

Into your mouth

Hold it safe

So that it doesn’t dig

Deep

Now

Just

the tip

Is it salt or sugar?

85

CHAPTER FIVE

S H A M E

Wasteland

Stupid bars

Displaced

Too many people

What a waste

Of human existence

Polluting the earth with their disturbance Get me out

88

Emptying

She was sitting

Drinking

A table of four

A crowded room

In the bar, wanting—longing for more

An open space

The chase

To move on, lead on

Forward looking

The speakers pressed to her ears

His voice piercing that drum

That pit cluttering my chest sinks

Expanding

A sound to the rest: “Are you okay, baby?”

“Do you ever feel like there is a hole in your chest?”

“All the time.”

And the song goes on and on

It does not end

Here I bend, unable to stand

Slouching my back, melting

Into the chair

Unnoticed

The bottom of the bottle

Emptying

Pouring out onto the streets

I flood the scene

89

Slut Shaming

Applying  Covergirl

It is cheap

She was told it would not make them curl At the sight of her

To change appearance—she took a leap

She wanted to hide those scars

To find where she fit

So she dove into bars

And there she sits

Looking for the next best thing

Where have you been?

She isn’t cheesy

Just busy trying to  get busy

Making society queasy

Men don’t get this sort of behaviour

They’re calling her sleazy

Making her uneasy

Because with her mask

She thought

She was just  Easy Breezy

90

Nut

Board on water

Water to surf

Surf is tired

Tired is me

Tackled

Pulled under

Flailing

Surface touch

Bubbles gone

Air near

Cruising in

Here

There

Come over there

Grains of sand

Between my toes

The souls we hold below

Treading forward

The guide beneath our knees

Away

Toward the tree

Right foot

Left foot

Tight hands trapped by the old folds

Built a stem

A body to climb

Up up

Return

Land to hand

A grass green bowl

Taking the form of a coconut

A rugged stick

Brown, dirty, dying

91

Splashed in my eyes

Spread through my hair

Dripping from my eyelids

Off my lashes

Sliding down my face

To kiss my lips

S l u t

92

Body Ink

Heat, hugging my shoulders,

Spiking my nipple

Salt licking my skin

Not constricted by the walls of the blade Drying faster

Freedom is warmer

Raised on

Constrained

Views of our bodies

Unloading—

Caring for yourself

Is liberating

Running across the beach, wind rushing though hair Skinny dipping

At dawn, marching

Airy

My cloud

With dry sickle lips

You stare at my chest

I know

You have one too

I am shirtless, bare-chested

You don’t need to obsess

Being

Solo

It is so fun but

You stare at my best

I know this is not

Your first sightseeing

Please forgive me, for just being

Brought up

Bodies

Our conditioned taboos

You tell me what to do

I know

Poor you

Please ignore the social stain

You have been ingrained

93

Don’t call me pretty

For you see my breasts

Let me walk

As you do

See hearts

Before

You see my face, my body

Inky lines

So divine

Call me beautiful

For that

It beats                         we don’t need bloody sinks when we have body ink.

94

Affirmations

I’m done,

I can’t do this anymore.

Can’t bat my lashes for others

Hoping you will pay attention

I finally say

So long, it’s been too long

So—I close my eyes

I am important

I am of value

I am everything you wish you could have But you can’t open your eyes

Your

Real

Eyes

95

Real • Lies

I tried

To be smarter

To match you

To be cuter for you

Becoming more ditsy

I want your attention

I’d be in the kitchen whippin’ it up

Hoping for you to realize

Maybe one day you will realize

That I am a prize

Maybe one day I will realize

Maybe one day I will accept

That my prize must be won

It must be won

96

Retro

In

Retro

Spect

Respect

It comes from within

Dive in

97

Eyes

I glimpse

Into the crisp eyes of lonely guys

Elderly cries

Shy Children

It’s empathy—That I feel

Through the waves of the sea

Let me be

98

Malleable

To be

Hammered without break

99

Vagina

You wish you were

You wish you had

Soft and delicate

Oh, beautiful to touch

Bend and transform

Create room

Allowing space to grow

It shrinks

M a l l e a b l e

So palatable

So yes, I am strong enough, you wish you were able, to be And have the privilege

To be called

A pussy

100

CHAPTER SIX

V O R T E X

A Vortex

The snow sticks. And I sit, sit in my room, all alone. My pants are around my ankles, I am sitting in my swivel chair. At my desk, the bed is above me. The walls are plastered with white paint and tacked with artwork. All alone, I sit. I unscrew the blade from the razor and I begin to slice my thighs. Red, wet, thin. Vertical, the lines cross over me. I’m in deep, carving to no end. It feels good to have the fresh air breathe life into my body; the pain reminds me that I am real. It’s January of 2020. I never thought I would do this again. I’m not 15 anymore.

It wasn’t always this bad. Let’s rewind, flashback to the beginning. It crept in ever so gently, subtle. How could you even begin to notice? Notice the change before it corrupts, erupting into pure chaos. Bending the limits of your reality. Where feelings become unpredictable, completely disoriented and your thoughts are overtaken by the beast inside. Ever so sensitive to change; it is unfathomable.

Where did it begin? I’m not entirely sure where or when it began. I don’t think it really “begins,” but rather changes slowly over time. This is the only reality I have ever known. A small voice,  not from the outside, but from within.

“I am not good enough.”

“I will never be enough.”

“I can’t do this.”

“I don’t want to be here anymore.”

I ate that shit up. This voice grew; a robust tornado swirling and destroying everything it touches.

I didn’t think it could get any worse but then, in the fall of 2018 I began my first year of university at Carleton in Ottawa, Ontario. It was a vortex sucking me in, drawing me closer and spinning me out of control. This was my driving motivation to keep going, to prove myself wrong. It was more than just moments of doubt; it felt as if these thoughts were following me around. I was constantly checking over my shoulder—a prisoner of my own mind—unable to be at rest. Sometimes it would feel as if the world was moving so fast around me, but I could not move an inch. Other times, it was as if I were watching the world in slow motion. It was as though I wasn’t even real—I was just watching a TV screen. How do you make sense of that, not feeling real? How do you even try to explain it? And who would understand that?

104

I was locked up, chained to the idea that no one would understand me, and no one would like me. My free time was spent hiding into the depths of academic books—tracing over the ink on each page. Memorising the words. Copying and copying away each social interaction, each neural connection. Because if I could at least know everything about neuroanatomy and neuropsychology, I could ignore the mirror and I wouldn’t have to look myself in the eye. At a standstill, it was almost as if I were in solitary confinement. I felt unsafe around everyone, especially the people I thought I could trust. Because things, people, aren’t as they appear. In constant paranoia, leaving me exhausted, I fear failure and letting everyone down, especially my family. I hid away. In a state of avoidance, I did not speak.. When I did speak to my family, it was explosive. I was thunderous. Screaming. Shards of glass slicing, piercing the world to reflect my insides. Pulling out the glass stuck in my skin, so I could feel relief. Unhealthy, I sought out this relief to no avail.

January 2019: tears rolled off the lid of my eye and rushed down my face.

My head was heated, throbbing. My mother interrupted my screaming and said,  “You need meds.”

She thought it would be a good idea to book an appointment with my family doctor. This was something very out of character for my mother.

Growing up, my mother ingrained in me that medication was not the solution. She grew up surrounded by parents who used drugs to cope with and get through life. She did not like the idea of relying on any type of substance. My mom has endured a lot of pain in her lifetime, including unstable living situations, absent parents, a divorce with four kids and no money in the bank. She experienced anxiety and panic attacks to a debilitating degree at times, but she has forced herself to learn how to live through these moments. Many times things were out of her hands, but she always did the best with the cards that she was given. She put herself through university (first one in her family) while working and raising young children, while her husband was too  busy to be around—building his business. A financial burden he embodied to pull his entire family of immigrants out of poverty. The toxic masculine societal pressure to provide, a legally binding responsibility to provide post-divorce that begins in 2008.

105

When I was a child and a teen, I was always in the principal’s office, I didn’t like to “listen”. I was easily distracted and had difficulty making new friends. I often felt excluded. Kids would say mean words to me, how it twisted my hair. In the fourth grade, I was not allowed to attend school unless I was getting a psychological assessment completed for autism spectrum disorder. The school wanted me to be medicated, but my mother did not believe in medicating young children and messing with their development. She believed in treating the root, not masking the symptoms.

She believed I needed extra attention, and nurturing, more time to process my emotions, and that was okay. She accepted me for who I was.

Sometimes her parenting techniques were not always the best, often she would be quite controlling, at times even manipulative which stems from her own anxieties, experiences with domestic violence and intergenerational trauma. I may not always like or agree with her, but I will love her even from a distance. I will love her past death. She is a strong independent woman, and she has loved me unconditionally, no matter how “crazy” I was.

So, here I sit. Where the snow sticks. I was dragging myself into the doctor’s office, a small room with yellow walls. I sat in a brown chair and fell into tears struggling to express my deranged thoughts. I was diagnosed with severe generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) and was put on medication immediately. I was prescribed a very out-of-date medication practice from my GP, which I later learned in my neuroscience class at Carleton University that term. My GP, he prescribed me a MAOI (monoamine oxidase inhibitor) and Buspirone (an anti-anxiety). These are messy drugs that target many, many different neurotransmitters in the brain, and were discovered before the famous SSRIs (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors). SSRIs were available, but my doctor did not make them available to me. My “outbursts” were lessened and I didn’t cry everyday. But I still could not regulate how I felt inside, I felt dead, drained and overwhelmed all at the same time. And the pills, they came with consequences—side effects. I was glued to my mattress, 10 hours of sleep at night was not enough— I was experiencing “bed gravity.” Forcing myself to peel back my eyelids and lifting the bricks of my body away from the mattress, stretching the glue to lean over to the other side. I’m up.

But I would fall asleep everywhere; in lectures, at meals, on the bus and even behind the wheel. Sometimes, I would convince myself that I was not 106

actually mentally ill, and that I did not need medication because I felt

“better.” Overall, this led to poor patient compliance, in other words, I would stop taking my medication. Soon enough I could expect someone to ask “Have you been taking your meds?” I felt crazy. I wanted to feel normal. I didn’t want to rely on medication.

In the fall of 2019, I moved 1435km away from home, I transferred to Dalhousie University in Halifax, NS, changed my degree multiple times, began working part-time as a care-taker and personal support worker and I broke up with my high school boyfriend. He was really angry with me, understandably, that I didn’t have an open discussion with him about it.  I did not ask for his permission, I simply stated my future plans. But I didn’t want anyone to change my mind. An endeavour that he could choose to be a part of, but he did not follow. He wanted to move in together in Ottawa, and start a life together. He made me feel safe, he validated my trauma around my sexual assault and always told me to get help for the demons I was battling. But he also told me that I didn’t need medication. I helped him get a job and find a place to live. Our relationship was on-and-off near the end. And it ended really poorly.

Serving a fresh plate, I began to treat my body like a home because it is the only one I have. I got a personal trainer and began going to the gym. It helped to build a stronger body and mind. Feeling my muscles stretch and contract as I lift the weight off of my shoulders. Standing taller, holding myself up for longer. It helped me feel more comfortable in my body, powerful. I started attending dance classes again, something I hadn’t done in 6-7 years because I had to have surgery. And I loved dancing. It is a creative outlet, a mode of expression. And it is something I am good at. I used to do it competitively for 10 years. It forced me to be in social situations, where my body felt vulnerable, revitalizing my veins, building my home. I began to go to massages more frequently to decompress.

Allowing the air to run through my hair and the water to wash over my face.

It wasn’t enough, I could not sleep beside another without twitching, shivering. A flashback, replaying the moment I woke up being violated, the poking and prodding which I did not ask for. Triggered. I would wake up to my heart flying off the rails—nothing there to latch onto to ground 107

me—in a panic. I was wedged too deep into my mind, too far to accept sexual intimacy. It’s like giving your house keys to a stranger, and hoping they won’t steal from you. Or jumping off a bridge and not knowing how to swim. And I was trying to swim but the waves pulling me and lacing anchors around my ankles. A certain touch, or an invasive thought… it knew exactly how to stir the pot. Desperate for constant reassurance—I would ask before, during, and after sex “Is everything ok? ” Soon enough, lying in bed alone was a fight. Insomnia. My insides turned, my throat would be tight and I could not just say goodnight. I have trauma. This acceptance led me to seek help.

I sought out cognitive behavioural therapy. I had weekly, then biweekly, then monthly therapy appointments. I later found out I also had ADHD

and a learning disability. My therapist was kind; she was young, fresh out-of-school. She had long dark brown hair, pin-straight, brushed back into a half-up/half-down pony-tail. She always had a notebook, one that flips up and backwards, not sideways. I would sit on a love seat, and she in the chair in front of me, with the desk behind her and to her left. I chose her because she specialized in sexual assault, depression and anxiety, and school-related stressors. So, I tried to unpack my belongings and leave them in her office. But I clutched onto my body, with no grip and my home was ripped out beneath my feet. I was underwater. Months passed, I plunged deeper and deeper. I was too far down, I could not reach the surface level to gasp for air. I was so alone, I had no friends. Why did I move so far away from home? We talked about my trauma, feelings, coping strategies–how to regulate my emotions–and what to do when I felt suicidal.  Am I really alone?

At Christmas 2019, my family and I flew out to the Dominican Republic.

I should be happy,   I thought. But I was sweating, my skin crawling, my chest felt like a bottomless pit and I just wished my head would fall off.

The  anxiety was too loud. I wished that  they weren’t  chasing after me, that I would know when the  beatings were coming. Hoping the party streamers and exclamations “Happy New Year” could pull me out from the undertow. It was the daily pellets locked in the prescribed bottle, I was playing truant by doctor’s orders. Pulling me back from somewhere I could not escape. I was withdrawing.

108

Before flying back to Halifax for school, I flew back to Ottawa. In an attempt to gasp for air, I went down to the Ottawa police station to fill a report–It was a history report. A recount of sexual assault. No hard evidence, since the event occurred in 2017. There was no physical aggression involved. Only emotional conflict, physical penetration. I was asleep for god sake, and it was my best friend, who claimed to be in-love with me. He claimed it didn’t happen and, even if it did, he didn’t remember. At the time, he was addicted to various drugs, and constantly in withdrawal. His words made me think I was crazy. I pitied him. I pitied him so much that I did not validate my own feelings. Driving to the station my heart was racing: it thought I was running a marathon. I couldn’t keep up. My palms were wet, sweat bleeding through my gloves. Do I smell like B.O.? Afraid of the police, afraid to say the truth, afraid of what events might follow. Not only was I processing the assault, but the grievance of a childhood friendship. And I knew he had done this before, to another girl. I thought to myself,  What if there are others?  What if they are also too afraid to come forward? Afraid that no one would believe them? I must come forward.

During my visit in Ottawa, I also saw my ex-boyfriend. I had rebound sex in Halifax after we, my ex-boyfriend and I, had broken up. And then, when I came home for a visit, I slept with my ex-boyfriend—that really rubbed him the wrong way to say the least. He called me a lot of names.

I then met with my caseworker about my sexual assault to provide witnesses, so I asked my ex to explain what he knew about the case. And I will never forget the last words he said to me, “You can’t regret having sex with someone and call it rape”. I flew out to Halifax.

So, here I sit, sit in my room, all alone. I’m here in the bitter winter with the icy blade between my fingers. It’s red, I’m bleeding from the inside out. I never thought I would do this again. I began a new medication. It’s January 2020.

I was spending time with one of my close friends who had been through sexual assault, and  physical and emotional abuse; and I asked, “I am doing everything I can. Why can’t I get any relief?”

She said gently, “It gets worse before it gets better.”

109

It was one of the best pieces of advice I ever received. And on Bell Let’s Talk Day, I received an email from a family friend. He shared his life-long struggles with mental illness with me.

“Is there anything that you found particularly helpful in your journey, other than traveling the world?” I asked He said “Patience, kindness and vulnerability,” and he let me know that he was there for me. And so I tried. Perseverance–-I had put the work in. Pulled the weeds from their roots. I was adjusting to my new medication. And I was moving forward with my therapist. Instead of exhausting myself, I was exhausting my resources. The air is hugging my lungs. I’m not alone.

Spring of 2020, I began only monthly sessions with my therapist online.

I know myself. I was doing okay, aside from the fact that we were now stuck in a global pandemic. And anytime I had to go home for family emergencies I had to quarantine. And I quarantined about six times: bye bye three months of my life. The second quarantine, I had met my soon-to-be girlfriend on the infamous Tinder. I began working in a nursing home as a PSW/CCA with the job title “Covid Relief”. I worked like a dog. I had no concrete schedule. Working crazy hours, twelve hours overnight, with just enough to get time to get some rest, to come in for an eight-hour shift only to find out it was now a sixteen-hour shift.

Constantly switching between days and nights, sometimes I would work up to seventy hours a week.

Through this chaos, after talking to this girl on Tinder, I asked her to get a Covid test before I met her in person. I drove three hours to meet her, four if you include me getting lost.  Crazy. Who drives that long to meet someone they’ve only spoken to over the internet? Me, I guess. What if I’m getting catfished? What if I get murdered? What if I don’t  really have feelings for her? Questions swarmed my brain, and excitement filled my chest. I picked her up from her house and we went for a picnic at a place of her choosing. I brought her flowers, baked goods; she made artwork for me and wore a mauve maxi dress. How cheesy? Makes me wanna throw-up just thinking about it. But she was such a “romantic”, and I thought it would be fun to play the game. I also really liked her…wanted to make a good first impression. I had never dated a girl before, and I was quite confused about my sexuality.

110

When I was in middle school, I “came out” to the world wide web. I posted a video on Facebook at 2 am with me saying “I’m not straight”, end scene. How cringe-worthy. When I woke up for school that morning, everyone had something to say about it. And I sat down, I was gaslit—

it’s just a phase, how was I to know I was queer? I was only 13. I began to explore my sexuality and always felt like I needed to prove my gayness for some reason, somehow, to others but really show myself that I was right.

Breaking the bounds, I was the high school experiment; girls would flirt with me and sext me to never make it public we wouldn’t even engage in true friendship outside the dimension of a phone screen. Why? Because, why would anyone want to be outcasted with me and blasted into the spotlight? But little did I know, that I would be able to find love to celebrate being  out  and PROUD.

It was so beautiful from the start. A fairytale. She–my girlfriend and I. We shared a lot of love and laughs. She pushed me to be a better version of myself, supported me and my dreams. She loved the weird parts of myself.

I loved her creative energy, the conversations we had, her company. But it became toxic. We were always fighting. She always thought I was flirting with everyone I talked to. I gave her all of my time and energy when I was not at school or work, but it was never enough. I could never please her.

She fell short on every promise she made from the beginning of our relationship. She constantly flip-flopped between the idea of an open relationship, then accused me of cheating on her. She was no longer willing to move closer to me/ The whole relationship lasted a year. And honestly, I wanted her to be something that she just wasn’t ready to be, or gave up on being. She would always just complain about her situation and not do anything about it. That is just not my style. If you don’t like something, change it; if you can’t change it, embrace it or find a way. Our relationship had an expiration date. It was time to make a change.

Spring of 2021, after numerous medication changes, removing toxic relationships and setting boundaries to create healthier ones, extended therapy, seven residential relocations and a handful of degree swaps. I made the decision with my doctor to discontinue use of my medication.

I’m not sure if I would be here writing to you, if I didn’t receive medication. But medication is only part of the solution. It begins with you. I never thought I could survive unmedicated. Every day I make a 111

conscious effort to put myself first. Though I fail, I am still recovering.

I am not where I was, but the illness lives on with a strict curfew.

Conquering mental illnesses and accommodating my learning disabilities, I didn’t know that I would make it to twenty-one I didn’t believe that I would graduate from university because I was so consumed in my struggles, just to stay alive. I climbed Everest to be here. Stretching my way through the treacherous mounts of snow, climbing and reaching the summit. Where the wind hits harder, and the sun shines brighter. I raised up and healed a wounded child.

Awake, alive, alert, breathing. And slowly, things are changing. But it remains looming and it can ignite at any time. It’s name is a chaotically navigated, and chronically dis-regulated nervous system. It was not better overnight. Some people say, “One day I woke up and I was just better.”

That is not really the case. Just as it creeps in, it also rolls out.

So, here I walk, walk through life with open arms. It’s Winter 2021.

I never thought I would come this far.

112

CHAPTER SEVEN

B A C K W A R D S

Productive

I’m busy

“Are you working yet?”

I said I’m busy—busy doesn’t mean I’m getting paid To slave my life away.

Why am I only respected

For being busy if you are employed?

I am working, testing the limits of my mind It’s okay to be uncertain about what I might find So long as I am trying, and I pull back the curtain To practice

Busy with my personal growth and development Busy creating healthy routines and behaviours Busy planning my life and educating myself Busy existing, living, being, breathing A self-learner—entrepreneur

Hard is working

116

The Exchange

Commercial goods

Naive

To take your cash

For pleasure

An incomparable measure

A game to play

Shedding the layers

Disgusted.

117

Stolen Land

We are all

On stolen land

Nothing is our own

118

Sun. Sunny. Son.

You can’t stare

Look at it

Look into their eyes

Stare into the distance

It won’t—

You can’t—

Exist

It’s too bright

They tell you to shine less

Than he does

If you are brighter

He will not be attracted to you

I guess he doesn’t like the beach

— Sun

119

Light

Set the

deck

on fire

120

Division ÷

Me

Here

Taking action

Standing tall

With my heart

I am sleeveless

I’m

Here

Showing beliefs

For what is—

Justice, righteous

You

There

Standing tall

With mockery

You should be

Ashamed to be

So yes

I’m

Here

With my armed voice

Standing tall

An ally

Please join my hand

121

Stand with us

I’m not dividing the people

You are

Please jump the line

The invisible divide you speak of

Help us break it

Because all black lives matter

All minorities matter

And yes, all lives matter

But we must shed light on our counterparts To bring justice

We may have been created equal

But society alters creation

And equality is not the same as justice 122

Industry

Don’t cut me down

Hold me tight

Don’t poison my body

You know

This ain’t right

He’s on fire

And we are dying

Oil is too easy

Big money is driving it

He’s crying for help

To no one’s remorse

He’s on the floor

Please just open that door

The trees are burning

The oceans are rising

The government is too busy

Do anything about it

He’s on his knees

Pleading

Listen up, open your eyes

Bleeding

This is a fool’s dance

And it’s your last chance

But you cut me down

Held me light

You poison my body

You know

This ain’t right

123

Partner?

Shaking hands with the slaves

The pandemic waves

Making stands shift

A dark age of distaste

How can you do this?

Discuss disgust

Acting fast

Burning money

Where is humanity ?

To lift up

The human

In me

The human

In you

Act with creativity

Crush human poverty

Remove GHG activity

Disdain

Show, don’t tell

You can’t piss on money

It won’t make anybody

Wealthy

124

Hard Rain

The hard rain hits my face

The waves crashing

Bright blue

Dark blue crashing

Foaming water

Splashing the rocks

The boulders — white, brown speckles

Oxidizing turning orange

White mist

Shaking my eyes

Freezing my face

And I am in awe

The hot chai tea

Steamed soy milk

The dying trees

Colourful bushes

Empty

Leafless trees

Destroyed by the fire

Lasting three days

Years later, it still cries

Don’t you want to give a little love?

125

Conflicted

Where do I turn

The extremes

Ultimately alternate paths

Trying to mix oil with water

Why bother?

The inner turmoil

Soft unspoken

Time to roar loud loud louder

126

De-arrest

“How’re you?”

I’m okay

I made it out

Out of the march

A success

without a grand parade

“I can’t go in there.”

So, we walked—around

Away

Nearby

So we—could still be—a part

Peeking in, from the outside

Looking over the fence.

Going up the hill

Glancing back

Mumbling over your shoulder

“They are following us.”

The clowns have arrived

My head a carnival to celebrate

They waited

Waited till all the kids had gone

To close in

To team up

With their blue suits

To serve and protect

But what from?

You’ve got it all wrong

You’ve got it all wrong

127

There were so many of them We were outnumbered

We meant no harm

They were armed

The metal wrangling

Them surrounding, grabbing

A tab of speed, but in my head

Sinking into quicksand

No time to think

Less than half a puff of smoke

Quicker than they spoke

But you remain calm, did as you were told As they tightened up around and cut your wrists One of us—in chains

I am your witness

A thunder-crack, grappling my breast

Scarlet rushing beneath my skin

Running down, chest to palm

Salt beading between my fingers

My hand reaching out for yours

My vocal chords bleeding out

To those near

Waiting—for just-action, out here

In fear

To be scooped up

A blockage in the way

Am I gonna be restrained?

A leech latched on

The salt there, now detached

As I watched

You get tossed into the back

Clicking clack

Everything went black

128

They are just so deranged and in so much pain They feel so much shame

How do I unwrap this gift?

How do you de-arrest

When you are so small?

Be loud

Make noise

“How are  you?”

129

Closed System

A concept taught in chemistry class

I can remember from grade twelve

Where I am trapped

Locked in a zone

I can’t break out of the box

Break the law

Wipe the dust

Uncap

I’m strapped into place

The seatbelt buckle

So tight

I am chafing

They chuckle

They say I must

Play it safe

Life isn’t always like flying a kite

But to me

It’s unfathomable

To remain somewhere I—

Do not belong

130

Friends with the Monster Not good with criticism

Never have been

But I’m getting better now

Don’t put your hand up

Look away

Look at me

Lift your head up

It’s just a voice in my head

Saying you’re judging me

It’s anxiety

131

Lived Yet

Ticking time bomb

It cannot explode on me

Not yet

I have yet to live

A dream I was dying

I fear thee—

132

The Trident

I’m so tired

Of all these conversations

These political battles

Money and greed

Poverty and famine

It’s too shameful

My skin

My blood is pouring out

It’s on the floor

Your family is gone

Say goodbye to your daughter

Her hands they shake

The ground quakes

I just want her to be safe

I’m so sick

Of hearing the news

Of singing the blues

How am I supposed to do my homework

When my home country is under attack

Take me home

To a place I belong

Save me

Keep me alive

Keep me alive

How does it make you feel

When you drop the bomb?

Hear the cries near and far

You don’t see the tears

Only guns and swords

133

Park your ships

Dock your boats

Rebuild where the damage that was done

Because I was hospitalized

And my family

Could not see me.

134

Salt Springs

She asked if I write it

As if she believed

I could really do it

As if she believed in me

I just want it so bad

I know I can do it

I will get there

135

CHAPTER EIGHT

C O N T A I N E D

137

You Are Confused

“I’m not straight.”

“You are confused.”

I wish you would have taped flags on my wall And celebrated with me

My bravery

My discovery

My confusion

But you shamed me

And warned, swarmed, swore

My feelings away

Were weary

It was embarrassing

Pouring gasoline on the fire

And I carry this with me

Doubt sits

And crawls up the back of my neck

There is no way one could be confused for this long Could they?

138

Mirror

I shouldn’t have to spell it out

For you to understand

Why can’t we just be

Who we are

Like what we like, do as we please

Be at ease?

Flying away, can’t catch up

Acceptance

Just a tease

Keep us clinging to

To the approval of others

Neglecting thyself

They might break you

Who are you?

You can’t know

Just remnants

There is no permanence

Shape you

Show you

They try

Give you a chance

But it’s all a fad

They know

You aren’t capable

Down

Searching, lurking, looking

I’m gleaming

The waves press over my eyes

All I’m left with

To stare at my own

REFLECTION

139

Backflips

And the taste of her was stuck on my lips In bliss

My checks were pushed up to the sky

I could not draw my lips in another direction My face hurts

Facial muscles don’t get this much exercise

‘m doing back flips

140

Taste

And the taste of her was stuck on my skin My cheeks were pushed up to the sky

I could not peel my lips in another direction My face hurts

My heart is warm

And I am happy

Everything happens for a reason

And I am in love

— or am I?

141

Lusty

Dry mouth

Salty skin

Chapped lips

Sweet kiss

Sticky chin

Loud laugh

Slapping ass

I do have class

Meet my match

Craving connection

This is my

— sex addiction

142

Lonely

I know they can smell it from a mile away They prey on me

Because I’m freshly picked

My flesh is ripened for manipulation

I wish they couldn’t tell

Or see that I act out of desperation

Please don’t see through me,

I know you won’t stay

Don’t leave me

I already know I’m unworthy of your attention That I crave

I dig for the root

But it’s deep

All I see is the stem

It can’t bring me to the right location All I know is that

I don’t want to act

For the wrong reasons

Making the wrong decisions

I’m leaning in the wrong direction

I want to plant a new seed

But I fear heavily,

That I will lose control

Leave me

— lonely

143

Her

You’re setting me on fire

I’m just so tired

Chasing the flame

Rain on me, please

You’re all I desire

Driving me insane

144

Occupied

I wish it were easy

To date

And trauma would vacancy

145

Ray

Why am I so scared

For my sexuality to

Come through

To shine down

And dawn on me?

146

Poly Pocket

I need you

Not in the way you think

In my mind

I need you to understand me

I understand your boundaries

But you backed me in a corner

I’m stuck, please let me free my mind

Because I feel so locked into a place

A space I do not recognize

I am going into

Crashing into you

Forehead to forehead

I love you and I want you to see me

So I keep my boundaries

Then we can be free

Because I don’t want to feel guilty

For my needs

It doesn’t make you any less

This is who I am

It doesn’t make you any less

147

Inside

Why can’t I hold you?

Am I just desperate for love ?

Do I just crave attention

Or is it you I want?

I can’t tell

Is it you I’m attracted to?

Am I looking for something inside?

I fall in love with some special piece That I find in you, him, her, them

Genderless

I’m committed to you but I find beauty in others too Your beauty is incomparable

Why do I feel so attracted to you?

Why do I want to pursue you, but others too?

But not

I’m fighting with you

I’m fighting with me

Every connection

Is different Splinter

LADIES

I cannot deny

I like to look at their thighs

Thinking in the sun

I fry

It’s just your touch

No

So

Let me

Tell me

Is it you that I am attached to

—Or did I find something inside?

148

Outside

Is it that I’m attracted to you

Or am I looking for something inside

I fall in love with some piece special

Just don’t let me blow my mental

This I find in you, her, him, them

I’m committed to you, but find luscious beauty in others too Your beauty is incomparable, why am I so attracted to you?

Why do I want to pursue others too?

Genderless

The connections

I glimpse into the crisp eyes

Of lonely guys

Elderly cries

Ladies I cannot deny

I like to look at their thighs

Don’t be shy

Thinking

Pondering in the sun

I fry

Diving into the waves of the sea

Let me be

Empathy

You are haunting me

The muscle grows stronger

Is it your touch?

No So,

Tell me

Is it you that I am attracted to

Or did I find something inside?

149

My Best

Missing home

Feeling alone

Tired of being on my own

Won’t someone come take care of me?

150

Detaching

I can’t make words into sentences

I miss you

I need to wrap my arms around myself

I need to be alone

— detaching

151

Save

the  attention

I crave

may I

lock my knuckles between yours

clean your  dirty  laundry throw out the  trash may I

do it all, please you and more

show you—all that I  am,  all that I can be meet your match—

maybe then,

when,

you see me

I will be satisfied

I will be gone

far

away

152

Next Summer

Just need to make it

To the next summer

Where it will be warmer

Here or there

It doesn’t really matter

I just need to make it

To next summer

Maybe then

I might have space

To call my own

I won’t need mace To

keep the pace Putting

out fires

A drone in disguise

I know it’s sunny here

But I can’t feel the beams on my chest

The sweat beads off of my chin

But somehow I hope it is warmer

Next summer

Maybe then

I might have parallel thoughts

Cutting off the direct line

That shakes my mind

Into circles

I must remind myself

I have control

Just need to make it to

The the next summer

Hopefully I will cool off

There—all the toxins flush out

I scoff

153

Your reflection

Is on the bus windows

Because it no longer snows

It’s keeping my attention

—Your damn reflection

154

Queen Size Mattress The space is so empty

Without your body

Making pictures on my bedroom floor

On the cracked butterscotch

Your corpse swimming

The splashes of paint on the wood

A work of art

That’s what you were

You are

Now the paint is

Divergent

The colors

Take another form

Scattered

Scarlet jaded

A big question mark

Replacing your body

Meaningless

Creating,

working

Thinking, missing

Looking over at you

While I’m

Creating, working

What strings do I have to play without you?

155

Monica

And I lay here

Thinking of you

Well

Where we were

Kombucha and lunch for two

The sound of seashells

When pressed to your skin, swirl

As the wind scratches my membrane

The pebbles of sand

Getting in the way of my tan

Sitting, waiting for her to paint my body colors for thee freckles to tattoo my body, my corpse What are these smells?

Maybe the beer

Soiled and spoiled

From the heat

Mixing orangutang piss

A bite

To eat

A crunch in my beans

The sand acting like a weed

A “vitamin crunch”

That is what you would say

Your voice ringing in my ears

But here I am, lunch

For one, but I stay

Undone

The star dangling in the sky

The rays beaming down on me

The sun moves

Running —the tide

156

It is so pretty here

Maybe one day

I could stay

Where my body is warm

The place where we spent our summer

Now down by one number

My stomach molding to the sand

Thinking of the moments

Spent with you

How nice it is,

To be

With me

The membrane I peel

And I am now

Sane holding—Gratitude for my solitude

157

Gasoline

The tank is empty

To be alone

Learning to be ok again

Here I am —

All on my own

Enjoying my own company, again

Beautiful to love who I am

Myself to be alone

There is gas in the tank

—  The battle of solitude

158

Bikes

We used to ride our bikes through the parks Driving round the town

Screaming so loud

To the music

We were stars

Now I don’t know

Who you are

But I try to

But you keep raising the bar

Take a bow

Where are we now?

My memory’s a little foggy now

159

Some Time

Not everything is about you

You are mad at yourself

Not me

I do not deserve to be

Treated

So poorly

Jump up and down

Throw your tantrum

I take some time To myself

Some space to think

Some time to think

I’m tired of building relationships

For them to all fall away

I deserve better

It’s not all about you

160

“Thank You”

Sitting on my bed

My bed I sit

In solitude—

Eyes on the light screen, beaming

A phone, mine

Posting, posting, posting, liking

Like me

Grappling onto sanity

Pulling at the string

Waiting for the rope to pull me up

Vying for—

An arm branches over my chest

The hand placed by my side

On the surface

My bed I sit

Eyes on the light beaming screen

I’m not alone

There’s a black sweater

A body above me

And I look up

My eyebrows raise

I’m wrapped up

Embarrassed

Surprised

An angle, we’re entangled

An awkward position, juxtaposition

All too warm

My clenched jaw drops

My shoulder unlatch

Why am I in your arms?

Chest to chest

Gaping

The air between our bodies

But connecting

The hug I finally did not have to ask for 161

“Thank you” he says

“Thank you for what?”

“Thank you for many things.”

I feel the dew from their cheek, prickly, brushing up onto mine I pull back

We gaze — only inches apart

I lean back, I look down, I stare

Out the window

I tear up

They are still looking

Wiped away the rain

Putting the blame on you

Taking my pain

162

Sea Urchin

In the deep midnight sea

Blue is black

And you won’t protect my back

No tears to flood underwater

Empty in the depths of the open ocean

I’m sad

Lonely

Not alone

Hold me

Why won’t you hold me?

Why don’t you love me

Care the way I do?  Show me

I don’t wanna hear it

Could be mad

But I’ll just be

Disappointed

Second place

Left in a space

Where you dropped your bags

And ran away, back to the days

The one who made you gag

You’re so lost in her gaze

Don’t mean to be a damper Please

Forgive me

Forgive me

For bringing down your mood

Grab the laundry hamper

Make the food

163

Where am I going?

You say “What’s the matter?”

I say “Why does it matter?”

Start where you are

The tide rushing back in

Your spiny skin

Latching back to mine

The sea urchin

Has come back in line

It is no longer fine

I’m glad

You couldn’t ruin me

I’m on my own

164

To Be Free

Free me

I need you

You’re on my mind

But in my mind

I need you

To understand me

I understand

Your bound-ar-ies

But in my mind

I need to free mine

Because I’m locked into (a) place

Where I’m just a fallacy

But I don’t wanna be

So please

Just see

I love you and I want you

And for us to be free

But I too need to keep my boundaries

I don’t wanna feel guilty

For needing what I need

It doesn’t make you any less

It’s just who I am

I can’t feel as if I am wrong

For who I am, for who I love

Where I wanna go

The experiences I want to have

Diversity

A need

165

Our needs being met

You are all the more

No less

My heart is whole

But that could never be

166

Cokehead

She broke you and I’m sorry

She loved you

But she loved herself more

It was over before

But she can’t start something new

She doesn’t feel like a lover

Even if she’s over you

You’re a drug dealer

A cokehead

An alcoholic

Was it all a lie?

She thought

She was a spy

Peeking through the looking glass

Driving into your heart

She lost her spark

Watching her slowly die inside

Did you even notice?

Was it all a game?

Smashed in half

Broken

But happy because she could finally fly 167

Laugh-t-her

I laugh so much more when I am away from you I smile so much wider when I don’t feel drawn in by You dragged me down

Hurt my crown

Now I’m here

Strong and proud

168

Breathe to Grow

I am a caterpillar

Wrapped up by your love

It’s suffocating

The

Need

To

Grow

169

I’m Not Her

I’m not her

And I will never be her

And you don’t deserve me

All that I am

Holding me back

Weighing me down

I hope you are happy

I hope you’re happy

Without me

Without

Me——

I know you too well

I deserve better

Better than you

Someone who will choose me

Wrap me up

And hold onto me

A treasure they will never leave

Never let go of

As if the can’t live without

I said “I don’t want anything to mess this up or come in between us.”

And you said “Then don’t.”

But it’s too late

Things are out of my control

And you can’t feel something you don’t

I deserve to be wanted

I was lying to myself before now

170

Email

You

So I reread the email from you

So I never forget

The image you have of me

The way you treated me

How crazy you are

The leaves are falling

I met you when the leaves were growing

But we don’t talk anymore

171

Bronte

My love

You held me,

my heart

my

art

I was safe

now I’m not

You’re gone

I’m still  here

but alone

Where do I go from here?

How do I move when I am at a standstill?

When my heart is black and char from the Fire

You ignited

Holding the heat so close to keep me warm I thought it was safe

Until it exploded

And I could not see

Nothing

Through the smoke

It crept in slowly

And rolled out fast

I caught a wave

I — I — I

Ran

And I threw the brick through the wall

I’m running

Farther than before

Because I’m doing it on my own

Harder (to do) on my own

172

When I met you

I wrote my first song

Here I am

I’m standing

I’m tall

For her

We’ve been stagnant for too long

I been stagnant for too long

When we got heated

I stopped writing

When we parted

I had forgotten how to

I take everything I learnt from us

From when we were an us

I’d be lying if I said you never crossed my mind I miss you

I miss a lover

A lover to come home to

To hold my hand

To share my weight

To cheer me on

To hold my hair

To carry my pain

The fire was sudden

Strong and mistaken

For a beautifully cultivated art display For me to see, call mine

173

And I’m here

Slowly,

Coming back I’m here

I’m alive

I’m going

I am moving

Moving forward

Moving on forward

Moving on

Move I do

Slowly

Move others to the sound of my words

Here I go

I’m going I’m crying

In the shower

Watch me cry

Here I stop

I’m stopping I’m stopping

I’m not moving

Watch me move

I’m hurting

Here I go

I’m going

I’m running

Watch me run

174

The Situation-ship

I thought you were gay

When I saw you

You were playing my keys

Entranced, I was drawn to you

Your energy kept me compelled

But it was just the sounds made

Time was spent

Together we were

Day and night

My sleeve was spread too thin, my heart too big What a sin

Roommates

From place to place

The places you helped me move

Where you then,

Lives

Stayed

With me

I let you in, to keep me company

You did not go hungry

When you went cold turkey

It was scary

But I still kept you warm

Planning, we did

To run away

To look

Looking, searching for what

I did not know

175

But instead of running together You ran from me

To someone else

I should have known

Better

Than to get my feelings wrapped up

To let it extend, reeling me in —entangled Mangled

I tried so hard to keep them in storage But then I built up the courage

To say, to speak my truth

There are chains around my heart

You reinforced my doubts

Because you’re still entangled with another Wonderful

Am I am so grateful

To unravel

This message

Finally brought to the forefront

Breaking the chains

I can move upward and shine

I’m mustard

Cracked and bruised

Salt in my burns

Lemon in my eyes

Bright

To no demise

Time was spent

Day and night

Together we were

Not together

176

I begged for pleasure

Touch me, please me, punish me

Give me any attention

But you were sure

Attention was to be given

Not received

So I gave, and gave, and gave

And you took, took, took

Silly me

Begging

Humiliating no one

But myself

I was deceived

Misconstrued by what I perceived

I deserved

After a breakup, stuck

Hard

The tip,

Soft skin, salty

Prodding around the depths of my throat Your large hands wrapped around my neck Gentle, warming me up

For you

Sticky on my face

Empty and divided

Desperate: this was one-sided

177

You slept on me

Rejected my kiss

My lip, an inch from yours

Your hot hands on my soft cheek

Your hand on my face,

Redirection, pushing

Me away

Brushed aside

My eyes now open

178

Above

Sometimes, yes, sometimes

I hear thumping

Shaking the ground

A shadow

Crossing over behind me

A chill quivers down my spine

A shrill

Is someone there

To hurt me, to grapple with me?

No one is there

Maybe it’s you, looking over, protecting me Reminding me that you are here

And you will always be here

Your spirit never rests

Even if your body dies

179

Friends

That you are close to

That are far away from you

That you know all too well

That break your fall—fake

That watch you break

That are your best friends

That you don’t know at all

To    get    you    through    it    all 180

Soon

A hello

A goodbye

Where sometime has passed

And I paid you a good farewell

An overdue visit

And here I am

I have arrived I am back — back in town But I don’t know how long

An unknown timeline

I’m on my way back and

I can’t wait to see

Your face

To feel their flesh

Your physical existence

To be reminded

That you are real

To wrap up your voice

Storing it away

My chest of memories

All of those I love

All those who love on for me

I’m on my way out

On the road

In the air

Sailing down the concrete walls of the earth Eye to eye

We cry

But this is not the first goodbye

It is not the last

I will see you soon

181

Friendship

It’s hard to be sad—

It’s hard to be sad around you

— anna

182

Simultaneously

I wonder if you wonder

when I do

We must be connect, until I am corrected I will be infected with this idea of our mental dialect When I’m thinking of you

Do you think of me too?

Or are our experiences

So divided?

183

Grew-up

As I grow older

The more I see

The more I see

The more I doubt

Punching holes through everything

To see what’s inside

To  find the leak

So bleak

As I grow older

The more I see

The faces I have always known

I learn who they are

Their behaviors

Things that were never shown

Because I was little

But now I see what your

Real intentions are

Not so pure

Manifesting, changing, becoming

One with thyself

I see you

You play the game all too well

But you’re fake, sad, alone. I’m sure

I’m getting colder

I just cannot be

I just cannot be

Me, searching but I’m sauerkraut

Looking for the mole, it’s going

My patience — wears thinner I find

I’m shorter. I used to stand tall, but now I just seek Something that isn’t there

I’m weak

As I grow older

The less I see

184

They give me the shoulder Me they always leave

Me, I’m just looking

For someone

To do

Nothing with

Maybe to hold my hand

Maybe even to spend the night

y my side

Toes in the sand

We’ll collide

Hold them tight

Stars align

185

Curry

It’s noon

I walk in the door, and set the culinary stage He moved out and the roommates are not home I am alone

My shoulders are light, and my heart is full I am catching a glimpse

Into freedom

Adding the coconut milk, spices and chickpeas I stop

to taste it

Fog brushes over mind—I remember the first time I made curry.

16, I told my family I was making dinner I kept tasting it but the flavour just was not right—

So as all good chefs do, I continued to add things Dinner was served

To no one’s liking

The damn capsaicin on my tongue

The clouds roll out

Back here, now, where I am stirring my wok of curry, I smile.

Prepare the rice, to notice my sister had not cleaned her mess 2 weeks had passed.

A pot of rice

I never knew rice could look so beautiful when it—rots, So easy on the eyes,

It’s cotton-candy rainbow

How could you be mad when the mess is beautiful?

186

Pocket Dimension

Bringing me into

Your pocket dimension

I had no clue

When you had mentioned

About all the tension

You feel

Of course,

You’re locked up

Boarded off

Because deep down

It’s so very scary

But not over

There in your Pocket dimension

187

A Letter from Her to Her Here I go

I’m going

I’m flying

Watch me fly

I’m not there yet

But I will be one day

One day

Someday

Soon

You were my number one

Built me up

Gassed me out

But now I must go

Move forth

Onward

Forward

Forward

a l on e.

188

Best Company

I miss you

I wanna know who you are

Where we are

But your love

our love is toxic

When the lights go off

And I am in the quiet

There you are kissing my brain

I be alone

And not think of you

Not feel lonely

Fully alone, on my own, with myself, no one else And be my best company

189

CHAPTER NINE

U N L O C K

Hard Eyes

A lot on the run

Through the mind

With less than time

It cannot be undone

They are

Kind with

A tired mind

A heavy soul

Low shoulders

They couldn’t be bothered

It’s all been just too much

And they grow old

Smile

They do

Chuckle and

Joke and light up smoke

That head is full

The heart is hurt

They are done

Hard from the pain

Soft

A shard of lard

Lumped internal

Loft

192

In the rain

staining this lane.

Crunching into my collar bone

To fold

Grainy gold fingertips

Fingernails of black dust beneath

Digging in

A cackle

Bright as the sun

Rolling through

To pierce your

—  wise eyes

193

All or Nothing

“You don’t know what love is

I guarantee.”

Chest in

mind, intertwined

When you feel the heat you

reap

Lustful puppy lips

Dangling smile, jerking together that devilish smile Twinkle in your eye

Making you shy

Sending shivers

down

my spine

I’m out of line

Your version differs from mine

I guarantee.

194

The Block

I wish I could string new lines

New words

That didn’t all sound the same

It just feels so estranged

I’m in my head, not that

Not this

That sounds pathetic and lame

You’ve said that before

You’ve been there before

I wish I could find new rhythms

Find my cards

Where they unfold and flow perfectly

With modern hymns

And the queen of spades flies into my hands Am crowned and it’s all mine

And it’s all worth it

Dive in. Own it.

You want kin.

195

Unlearning

Finding the deep glare

chasing something

that doesn’t exist

you turn the corner

To be reminded

Of the circle,

Again.

Beware of the

back there where

you started

the light,

on the tip,

the cusp

A choice to turn around

Ledge—

hanging, of to the drop off

The never-ending rabbit hole

You put yourself in.

Therefore

Only you,

Can pull you out.

You finally arrive, but there

is nothing there, left in white

space, devaluing yourself,

offended, so disrespected

Thick   air

Thin     stare

Lean deeper

Put out your hand

Try.

There is no other option.

Do or die.

196

Complex Realities

Individual cars

Collectively

Side by side

Individually

And only sometimes

We get the privilege

To share a car

To unite

One experience collectively

Going strong

But the truth is that doesn’t last long And we will never truly know someone else’s Vehicle

197

Percept

Sometimes what is right in front of you Is not easy to see

Sometimes what it seems

Is not what you think

198

Unclench Your Fists You don’t have to be miserable

Unclench those fists

Let down your guard

Open your chest

Lift up your arms

You don’t want to be miserable

Go scavenge

For that key

Pick the lock

Open that gate

Walk through the doors

You don’t need to be miserable

So take a deep breathe

Roll back your shoulders

Let yourself live

Melt those bars

Transform that energy

Break through the cage

Set yourself free

Synergy

Unfold the box

Tab by tab

Cardboard

Box cutter

Open your mind

Follow the path

Push the bushes back peal the branches back 199

Escape your mind

You might find

You

Are

Greatness

Yosemite

—layers of boxes—need to get out of each—level up to break free 200

Sharks

Dipping toe in the water

Why don’t you just dive in?

You’re swimming with sharks

201

Doors

Go back to school

Go travel across the world

Don’t stop moving

Keep on going

I’m just so scared of what lies beyond those doors 202

I Had a Dream—EP

I was shot.

My lips were sealed shut, and I was the only one who knew first aid. I wanted to scream out — tell them what to-do. Everyone was in shock —

just staring at me, and I lay there bleeding out, trying to breathe, trying to speak, to tell them to call 911.

Bullet wound sticking out out my chest. Survivor. Chest pain.

I was in the hospital, my family and friends around me, but when I got back home I did not know it. The walls, the chair, the smell: they were gone. This is where I live now, with my husband. His family instructed me to tend to the house, in pain, in recovery, disobeying doctors orders of bed rest. I am up, bending down, crouching over, heating up a fresh pot of stew. I had no strength, peeling my body from the mattress. A party floods through the gates, circus animals climbed into my place, trashing my home. These are our so-called “friends”? The music is loud. The lights are dim. A huge jam sesh at my house—I need to gasp for air. I am in dire need of quiet, of rest. I push my way through the crowd, it’s as if these people didn’t even know or care that this is my house, that I am in recovery. I unlatch the front door, bolt downward, toward the street.

Bolting, spinning around the people—a group walking. “Who are you?”

I scream. Late night dark.

Raining. On the incline, grass along side the sidewalk. Anyone can pull a gun. Paranoid.

Did I hit my head? Why can’t I seem to have any recollection of this life I am in. I seem to have lost my memories in the trash, searching for that photo album to set a spark but the filing cabinet is too messy, my mind cannot sort through. Has life has gone on without me or are they fooling me?

Controlled. I was. In my body with a life I did not know, I did not recognize, not something I could call my own. Married.

203

I was trying to run away, but where would I run and ride? Escape this apartment the house, the place, in this space.

Terrified of doors, I crawled around my apartment. Anyone, anytime could walk through those doors and bang.

204

Cold Feet

One foot in

One foot out

Ankle seeps in a puddle

Ankle deep in a landfill

But you dove in

Head first

You were all in

And I was scared Ran

205

Losing

You didn’t make me

I made me

Do it

For you

So you

Would like me

Continue to be around me

Never leave my side

Because I knew

I could never be what you wanted

What you were looking for

But I wanted to be

— losing

206

Fall Away (Money)

I don’t need money

To invest in fancy items that will all fall away I need to invest it into my body my mind so it won’t decay Pay mind to my food

Give attention to my thoughts

Give them space to come and go

So I can grow

207

The Orange Peel

Prying that orange

Twisting that peel

And dip

She is dropped down into that drink

Prying, trying,

Climbing out

To lock horns with

Something to keep the bottle on the shelf A cook book

A schedule

A job

Someone cuff her wrists

But you are avoidant

Attachment

Rowing away

And I am anxious

Stuck at the bottom of the glass

Wanting isn’t enough

Another one

208

Drip Rip

There’s blood on my shoes

I’m not amused

A blade to the skin

Cut me open

—drip. r.i.p.

209

Free

We stand

Begging for plans

Please let us

Celebrate

All that we have

Stuck in cement

Leaving us bent

Out of shape

To the slave owner

210

CHAPTER TEN

R I S E

Snakes

Sitting, legs branched over one knee

Not a whisper

Nor a sound

Unable to lift the corners of your lips To show teeth

For others have trouble keeping beat

Unable to jump up

Out of those arms

Across the floor

From those snakes

They’re chasing you as you chase the sun Slithering across they wrap around your feet Becoming colder

Left foot, right foot

Pedalling

Chasing faster, and faster —

Warmer

Smiling under the bridge

Reaching up and over

To climb, to grasp the sunlight

214

But the snakes stream upward Over your knee

Around your thigh

Surging onto your chest

Swirling around your neck

Flipping your lips

Closing on your teeth

Clenching your jaw

Your tongue feels raw

They’re molding to your airway

Just as concrete dries

Vying for air

You are unable to check

Where you are going next

The hissing is too loud

But my ear is pierced

By — that hammer — pounding

The jury declares — guilty

The sun has set, the snakes at rest

You quiver

Not a whisper

Not a sound

Jump up

To fall down

Your mouth is a moon, I see teeth

Happiness doesn’t need snakes

215

Beauty

Strange to find

I was actually adored

I hope to see the beauty that I ignore.

216

Trust

Who do you trust?

I think you should trust yourself.

You don’t trust yourself?

Why don’t you trust yourself?

“I trust you.”

The intention behind what you’re doing

That’s what is important

Believe in yourself, okay?

Don’t doubt yourself

Believe in yourself

I love you, baby.

217

You Matter

You are bigger

than your story.

Your words—interactions.

Hold weight (They matter / it matters)

You matter.

218

Valentine

Oct 16/2021 & Jan 15/2022

Will you be mine

My valentine?

So I don’t have to

Protect me

From the heart wrested?

So I don’t have to roll up my sleeves

To keep you from infecting

My clothes?

But I know that when I find

One  that will act kindly

It is just an act

So I will hold my heart

Tightly, closely

Watch it, nightly

My eyes peeled back

Prepping for the day you steal

From me, when I am no longer watching

You’re stuck with that half-way love that only stabs me in the back I’m trying

Trying to hold it up

Let me try to put my borders up

What I’ve never been good at

I will layer up

To be protective, to be selective

Cuz you are worth all that

Learn to be okay

On my own

You’re mine, valentine

219

Fuck You

You are amazing

You are more than

More than amazing

Beautiful features

Give yourself more credit

The credit you so deserve

She doesn’t know how to love herself

She doesn’t accept all that she is

She put herself on a shelf

I wish you could see what I see

Don’t trouble oneself

Put yourself above

Ride this crazy wave called life

Despite

What they all say or do

The world will try to break you

Beat you, till you are black and blue

Covered in bruises,

until it amuses enough of them

You must learn how to stand tall

And say

Fuck you

I am worth more

220

Hiding Behind Confidence The educational guiding hub

Blind leading the blind

No guidance

But your own guiding light

Shine bright

221

Unblocked

A breath of fresh air

Into my pen

Running down the page

Relief

Exhaled

Finally climbing out

Of where I felt retired

Writing again

On a rampage

Dissociated (•) association

Cleaning the earwax

The way, the blockage

From my brain

Where all is sound.

I bind and buckle down

And my mind

connects

To the pen

To the page

And fall away from where I’d lack

It’s there, completely

The parasite is back

Thankfully

222

Proud

It’s been one year

Our anniversary

Since you altered my body

Where I swallowed you whole

To rid the mole

To alter my state of mind

To keep me from dying

I made it this far without you

Where my lungs fill with air

My heart beats to a regular drum

I’m thriving

I never thought I would live

without

So much fear following me

but now I see

how to treat my mind

how to stop it from lying

What does proud feel like?

Happy

graduation

Congratulations

It feels like a breath of fresh air

When the smog rolls out from the streets Or when you reach he top of the mountain and the air is crisp, piercing, cold

It feels like

Standing on the highest rooftop with your arms out and up to the sky Looking down and seeing all the small homes you had to build to reach this empire

It feels like

The first snow fall

Bright

223

Tardiness

A tornado of thoughts—Swirling

A straight jacket for clothes—Curling

A shattered clock—I’m not going

But here I am

Late

But at least I saved the date

224

A Letter to Myself—

I’m so proud of you

All you have endured

All that you continue to

All that you profess (even through you are a mess) All that you are

All that you do

And what you do not

Everything you are chasing

Keep on chasing those dreams

You are a tiger

You’ll rest in the lion’s den

I love you

Thank you for supporting me

Always being there for me

And I forgive you for when

All you knew was to hurt me

I know you were breaking

I know you were doing the best that you knew how to You have grown so much

From the start

Leave room to grow

There’s so much more

To go

225

To Calm

Thump thump

My heart

I pound

Zing

My ears ring

The visual

Is unusual

I breathe

I stand still

I sit

I breathe

I stand

I sit

Still

To calm

226

Dry as Gin

Pull the drawer

choose wisely

A slip on thy touch

What a sin

Fork to the shin

Leave my skin

Dry as gin

Beautiful

I have always been

227

Motive

Today

I will

wash my face, I will change my clothes

I will

pull myself together, put myself first

Chasing that thirst

228

About the Author

Dawn Web is a queer and neurodivergent individual, born and raised in a small town in Ottawa, Ontario, and comes from a conservative mixed-race family of six. Dawn has been creating and exploring multiple mediums as coping strategies for as long as they can remember. Dawn is a multi-media artist, first place award-winning dancer, feature author for Fathom: Creative Writing Journal, feature multi-instrumentalist in the band Wool Sweater, and is the Creative Director for Vivid Illusion Creative Studios Inc. They moved to Halifax, NS, where they completed a Bachelor of Science with a Specialization in Neuroscience and Psychology at Dalhousie University and took a class in creative writing. This led them to pursue a career as a First Responder, Child and Youth Counsellor, Research Assistant, a Personal Support Caretaker, and finally an Author and Multidisciplinary Artist.

231

Table of Contents

Part of the Colours Collection

Book Cover Art: Alexandre Tremblay

Apart the ugly scars forgotten