just lovers (like we were supposed to be)

"Finally, after all these years of constant questioning, we have our answer. He's loved us all along."      "Merlin, someone should tell Sirius. He's going to be fucking ecstatic," Peter says, which prompts him and James to dissolve into laughter. 

I love all of you equally," Monty says, then after a beat, he continues, "but Regulus is my favorite, yes." 

Mm, not at all. There's a lot of living, loving, learning, and growing you two could do together, and if that's what you both want to do, then Effie and I support you entirely. I might be biased, but I think you could do worse," Monty teases.      Regulus laughs weakly, dragging his hand across his cheeks, and he gives a nod as Monty stands. "I know that. Do you reckon he could do better?"      "No," Monty muses, "I don't."      "Yeah, you're biased."      "Or a good judge of character. In any case, James has backed himself into something of a corner with this one. If you two ever don't work out and he brings someone else round, I'm afraid they'll never measure up to you." 

It's beautiful, don't you think?"      "The moon?" Regulus asks.      "Yeah," Sirius murmurs.      Regulus hums pensively. "I suppose."     "It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen," Sirius says softly, gazing up at it like he'd reach out and touch it if he could.      "Are you talking about the actual moon or Remus?" Regulus asks, then clamps his mouth shut. Oh, bloody hell. Now why did he go and say that? Sirius is going to—     But all Sirius does is say, very quietly, his voice subdued and small and uncertain, "I don't even know anymore."      "Right," Regulus replies. "Going to think about that at all?"      "I'd rather not, thank you,

Was he aware that he would have liked to see James go mental and beat Mulciber to a pulp? No, not at all. Is he furious that he missed it? Absolutely fucking       livid. 

Think me a whore all you like," Regulus replies. "I       need     to see it. I might die if I never get to see it." 

He's       convinced      that it would make his knees weak, and while he'd never encourage his knees to buckle for any man, he would       gladly     get on his knees for James Potter. Everyone has their exception. James is Regulus'

You almost drowned yesterday, Regulus. How have you found it within yourself to wake up afterwards and immediately drool over James Potter?"

With James, for James, he'll be gentle. 

You're one of my favorite people in this world, you know." 

He thinks a part of him knew that he'd end up here. As much as he's been trying to avoid it, to outrun it, there's no getting away from it now. It goes beyond fancying James, and wanting to shag him; Regulus apparently doesn't want to fucking live without him. Oh, this is awful. A love like Pyramus and Thisbe, reimagined in one of the worst ways possible, because Pyramus loves another. 

Yes! He's awful. And a bastard. And a cunt."  Barty's lips twitch. "You want him so badly."   "So  badly," Regulus complains,

That's just—not even plausible, though," Barty protests, and Regulus opens his eyes to stare at him. "That's bollocks. He wants you. The way he drools after you, there's no possible way he  doesn't, Regulus, I'm telling you. I'm not joking; he pants after you like a fucking dog."  "He doesn't want me," Regulus murmurs. "He just finds me beautiful. It's not the same."

I love him," Regulus breathes out, his voice thick.  "It'll pass," Barty says softly. 

He's agitated because James isn't going to drag  him off to shag him. What a twat

With Remus, you have to be at least willing to suck his cock," Sirius declares.  "I'm not  unwilling," Peter says, and Remus chokes on a laugh. 

Oh, James likes  that. Yes, let him have all the special treatment, please.  "Are you being riled up again?" Regulus murmurs.  

And," James declares, sliding his arm around Marlene's shoulders, "a girl who's going to go talk to her old crush."  Marlene rears back, exhaling sharply. "Are you fucking mental? She hates me, James."

I asked what your queer awakening was," Evan says slowly.  "Oh, right. Remus, third year," James replies, then freezes as his eyes widen. "Wait, fuck, don't tell Sirius

You really just looked at Sirius and thought to yourself, hm, how can I drive you further into that Black family madness?" Dorcas teases, her eyes bright

James stares after him and, for a bit, doesn't think about Quidditch at all. He plants his elbow on the table, leaning his cheek over on his fist, and thinks       oh, he's so lovely.     

I like him when he's...him, really," James admits, because he's not sure how else to explain it.      "I—" Remus halts, then closes his mouth. "Nevermind, not today. Tuck in, Prongs, you need the energy

Marry me," James breathes out.      "That's illegal," Regulus replies, lips twitching, and he leans in to kiss James' cheek, because his mouth is hanging open a little too wide for the lips to really be an option.

I've never seen anyone shine as bright as you."      James has to snog him again for that.

    "You can celebrate without him, it's fine," Sirius says.      Remus snorts and mutters,       "Can     he, though?"      "Yes, thank you, Moony, exactly,"

I can pretend to be with you," Regulus chokes out, "but I can't pretend that not having you when I'm in love with you doesn't make me feel like I'm       drowning." 

Stop it.       Stop it.     I have been second to Lily the entire time, while it was all fake, and I won't be the person you settle for just because you can't have her."

Regulus isn't ready; he still wants this for just a bit longer, only a little longer, please.

Regulus' next boyfriend."  "First," Remus murmurs.  "What?" James cuts his eyes to Remus, who visibly hesitates in a way he usually doesn't.  Carefully, Remus says, "His  first boyfriend. Not his next. You're not actually his boyfriend, James." 

Regulus, I want you to know that, every day, you test my restraint in every way imaginable. Being with you is a constant study in controlling one's more base urges

Oh, is that your brilliant brand of wisdom, Black?  It'll pass? That's supposed to help?" Barty asks, laughing.  

He didn't much like that, even told me I couldn't have you. Why, Reg, your boy is a possessive thing, isn't he?"  "An act," Regulus reminds him.  Barty hums thoughtfully. "I'm not so sure that it is, honestly

That's the love of your life, mate."  "Is it?" Remus asks quietly.  James glances over at him in surprise, and Remus meets his gaze steadily, a question. James blinks.

What happens when you stop looking for me?"      "I won't," James says, blinking at him. 

One day, James, you're going to stop chasing after me." 

That was really quite gay of you," Regulus says, making Sirius sputter. "Even I wasn't that gay at eleven. His freckles, Sirius? And it took you as long as it did to figure it all out?"

I think I… Well, I suppose I believe I have to do more, or be more, or try harder just to be...wanted." 

When did Lily Evans become the conquest to measure the validity of his own self-love? Can he not be content with all that he is if someone isn't there to hold his hand and tell him it's alright to be? He'd wanted it to be her, but did he ever want       her     at all? He did.

Please,     James thinks.       Please, please, please. I want you. Just keep pretending you want me, too, just for a little longer, please

He can't do it again; he can't want someone who doesn't want him

He's beautiful the way a tragedy is, and James so badly wants to be his happy ending

If anyone could make him feel even marginally better at the moment by touch alone, it's Sirius.

I'd keep you, you know."  "Shut up, James.

You think it can't get worse than wanting someone and not having them, but it can; you can want someone, have them, and want them more; still and always; you can never get enough. Oh, that's not fair. Why is this happening to him? 

Nothing makes me want to burn the world like the thought of losing you," James says softly. 

Marlene can       see     Remus strongly debating just pushing it the rest of the way, a mild look of thoughtfulness on his face and mischief in his eyes. Marlene can also see       Sirius     see it, and he nearly falls out of       his      chair because he's so entranced, mouth hanging open.          We're all disasters,     Marlene can't help but think, and she doesn't know in what way they are, not really, but she has no doubts about it. Every single one of them are hopeless fools. 

Exactly like that," Dorcas praises a moment later, grinning at her as she goes back to pulverizing the shells. "Well done."      "Thank you," Marlene says, not entirely sure why she sounds so choked, and her face is so hot she has to duck her head

She can pretend that Regulus isn't in danger, under constant scrutiny, and isolated just because he fancies men. She can pretend that Pandora isn't stressed, and worried, and drawing on her arms to battle her near-constant anxiety. She can pretend that Barty isn't a loose cannon, volatile and quick to anger, willing and ready to fight at a moment's notice like he can defy the whole world in the endeavor to defy his father. She can pretend like Evan isn't abused at home, spied on here, and bound to a life he doesn't even want to lead. She can pretend that this isn't her last year, and she has no idea what she wants to do with her life, other than be something great

Right here and now, Dorcas can pretend that everything is fine, and she can pretend she's not tired of pretending.   

The moth ring.

She can see Regulus in the background being gay and drunk with James, so that's going well, then

I'll never have that with a boy," Marlene whispers.      "You don't have to," McGonagall tells her simply, and Marlene can feel the tears flooding her eyes immediately, because it feels like being given some sort of permission that she's secretly wanted since she was fourteen years old. Sometimes, you just want someone to tell you that it's okay. 

I heard Remus' name mentioned a lot, unsurprisingly. He's about the only one all the blokes and girls who fancies boys can agree on, really.

Love me, hate me, I don't care," Dorcas breathes out, leaning in to press their foreheads together, her heart thumping hard in her chest. "Just don't be indifferent. Let me matter to you."  

Well, that depends on the favor, Evans," James replies with complete sincerity, and Marlene takes a moment to appreciate how far he's come. Before Regulus, James would have tripped all over himself to do anything Lily asked of him. It's at the point now where Marlene keeps forgetting that James has ever loved anyone other than Regulus at all. The poor thing is so smitten that it'd be pitiful if they weren't so sickeningly happy. 

"I want you to say my name," Marlene replies reflexively.      "Just say it? Nothing creative?" Dorcas' eyes gleam, lips curling up as she leans in. "Not whisper it, or moan it? Where's your imagination?"      "I—you know," Marlene rasps, "you may have a point." 

Sirius' loud, startled laughter follows them as they go, and Mary feels her lips curl up helplessly. Sirius Black. That lovely, lovely fool. She adores him, truly, and there's nothing like the sound of his bright laughter.

One day, Mulciber is going to push too far, and someone is going to give him       exactly     what he deserves, mark my bloody words." 

Ah, Peter," Lily says with a chuckle. "He's always so reliable, isn't he? He makes his moves in secret." 

You know, you speak such filth from a mouth I know for a fact is so soft."

Sometimes, Remus can't even look at Sirius, and Mary never thought heartbreak was something that could be seen until she saw the look on Sirius' face every time Remus wanted nothing to do with him. 

Yelling after him of course makes James and Sirius swivel their heads, taking an immediate interest like nothing else is more important, and then the three of them all share long looks as Remus blatantly ignores them and disappears up the stairs.   

I love you, you know," Mary says softly, because she does, if not in the way most would think. There's not a name for it, for the way she loves him, she doesn't think. It's a love that's simultaneously too much and not enough. 

suddenly, he's a lot more grateful for his wolf patronus than he was before. He imagines the horror of casting the charm and watching the form of       Padfoot     burst out, shuddering at the thought. Nothing could be more humiliating. 

It's bad enough that the smell of amortentia to him is just the condensed version of Sirius sodding Black in vapor form

"Hi," Sirius mumbles as he lowers his wand and pushes to his feet, standing just because Remus has entered the room. He does that a lot. Remus isn't sure why. 

"I don't want to know everything about everyone!" Sirius bursts out. "I want to know everything about       you!"

But you… Sirius, I'll only say this once. You're the best thing that's ever come out of our family.

Being a sibling is sometimes just knowing when to back away slowly, your whole being       aware     that you'll wish you had if you don't, because siblings are fucking       ruthless     at times. They're like a built-in best friend who knows all your secrets before you do, but also your worst enemy who       will     exploit them when it suits their fancy.

You're good, Sirius," Remus says softly, and his thumb sweeps across Sirius' cheek, tender. "You're so very good, and everyone else can see it but you." 

I have standards!" Remus protests.      "Oh, he does, trust me," Peter says. "Don't worry, Sirius, I'm sure you meet them all. In fact, I'd say—" 

there's not enough silencing charms in the world to keep you from hearing all the screaming Sirius is about to do," Remus declares without missing a beat, and Sirius releases a choked noise before his head drops down in between Remus' shoulders, leaning into him like he can't hold himself up. 

Well, you know, if you really think about it," Pandora says lightly, "things we lose have a way of coming back to us in the end, if not always in the ways we expect." 

"I miss you."      "You don't have to miss what you never lost," James whispers back.      "And yet," Regulus replies in a rasp.      James closes his eyes. "I know, love, I know. Me too." 

  "Oh gods," Regulus chokes out, and then he starts laughing. It seems to spill out of him, the laughter of pure wonder, and it's not the first time James has ever seen Regulus look at Sirius as if he's his hero, as if he admires him more than anyone else, but it's so blatant and obvious right here and now that even Sirius seems to see it, his face softening. 

He was chasing you," James says, sniffling.      "He takes after his dad,"

Perhaps it was the echo of a knock from another life, but in this one, James shrugs, shuts the door, and goes back to the love that's waiting on him inside. 

"If?" Sirius prompts from Remus' bed, because he always sprawls in it the evening after a full. He has been for years now, consistently, because he thinks it's an injustice that Remus would ever come back from the Hospital Wing and slide into a cold bed. Sirius 'keeps it warm' for him. 

Missing the bloody point, and at this point, James doesn't know how many more hints he can drop. Also, if he took Sirius at his offer, Remus would kill him

Sirius and Remus have been snapping at each other       a lot     lately. It's stressing James out, honestly. If they'd just       shag—     

Remus," Sirius greets warmly, immediately standing from his bed because he always has the urge to stand whenever Remus enters a room. Sirius told James that once in       fourth year

James wants to bang his head against a wall. He wants to take Sirius by the shoulders and shake him and shout       if you're saving the princess, that makes you the prince, idiot!     He wants to knock their heads together for their mutual stupidity about each other, because they do this       all the time.     They fight and go into a strop, bickering and quarreling like an old married couple, and then they pretend it never even happened the next day. 

Everyone stares at him, and Professor McGonagall heaves a sigh like she's very, very tired. "Potter."      "Yes, Professor?"      "Get out."      "Yes, Professor," James mumbles

I'd ask the same of you, of course—to be seen as more than Sirius' very handsome best mate."      "Remus Lupin is the handsome one," Regulus informs him, not even blinking.      "I—" James opens and closes his mouth. "You know, that's fair, actually. So which one am I?"     "The annoying one."      "I'll grow on you yet. What about Peter?"      Regulus pauses, then says, "The tolerable one." 

And, well, the views are lovely."      "Yeah," Regulus says softly, and James glances over to find Regulus looking right at him, but only for a moment.

To love without requiring anything back is the purest form, isn't it? I find it beautiful."      "It's sad," Regulus says, eyebrows furrowed. "Unrequited love is sad. It's       meant      to make you sad, you numpty

You say it wouldn't be torture," Regulus whispers, his eyes soft and sad in a way James has never seen before, "but for me, it       would be.     It's not your fault; you haven't done anything wrong. It's just…" He swallows and blinks, and in the next second, his eyes are watering. James is instantly horrified by the sight of tears gathering in a thick layer on his eyeline, threatening to tip over. "It's just that I've loved you since I was eleven years old and I saw you on the train. From that very first glimpse, I fell in love with you. So, pretending—I       wouldn't     be pretending, James, do you understand

James, mate," Sirius says, strained, "I adore you—I truly do, and you know this, and everyone knows this—but would you  please shut up about my brother?" 

Oh,  shut up,"  James snaps, making them both jolt and spring apart from where they'd orbited closer together in the midst of their bickering, as if that's the only time they can  get  close, which is likely why they do it at every available opportunity. It's a bit sad, because they used to be much,  much  closer when they were younger, but then hormones kicked in, and now because they want to be  too close, they never let themselves be as close as they want. "What are you two even fussing about now? Do you even know?" 

Remus pauses, then he deflates. "I just—I want to  know, James. Just once. If—if I could have him just once, even just for a second, I'd be—maybe I could—"  "Mate, you can have him literally forever, yeah? You  already have him

"Yeah, he was. Still a bad idea. Do it sober, alright?"  "But he doesn't want me when we're sober.

Are you saying that you felt like your future was snatched away from you at the same time I pulled Remus away? To be clear, that's what you're saying."  "Well, yeah. Now that you mention it, that's a bloody big coincidence, that is." Sirius blinks rapidly, looking dazed and slightly confused. "It just felt like he was about to tell me. Or show me. Or… I don't know. It was like I could reach out and touch it, and then it was just...gone." 

"I love  Remus,"  Sirius slurs, still complaining, and James resists the brief urge to strangle him while shouting  yes, exactly, think about that deeper for more than a minute, please!   "Don't we all?" Mary says, lips twitching as she shares a look with James, her eyes sparkling with humor. 

Right, but I love him the most, do you know that? Do you reckon he knows that? It's true, you know,"

he hopes he dies first before those who matter the most to him.

"I suppose someone in your group of friends has to be the sun. Sirius is a star, and he bangs on about Lupin being the moon or something, so I reckon that makes you the sun. Makes sense. I fucking hate it when the sun gets in my eyes."